(graduation day, Dec 2004)

autumn has finally arrived. i still find it unbelievable but i know, mid-autumn festival has already past. this morning the chilly wind woke me up at 6 in the morning and a burst of unexpected sadness left me wide awake. i remembered it was this sort of weather a few years ago, when i started crying in shower in the morning. i remembered how heartbroken i was, how hurt, and how solitary. this morning, i couldn't help but did the same. after the experience, i've grown to be frightened of cold winds and winters. it was 3rd january two years ago when i first started taking medical history from a patient, and got told off for doing a very bad job by the relatives. after my attachment that day, i walked back to the med student residence in the crazily cold wind, feeling incredibly failed and lonely. to this day when i take histories from patients, i would keep my head up, make myself look confident, being ever so cautious in my words, as if to protect myself from another episode like that one....

yesterday afternoon i had an orientation of my new department and it really felt like a medical student visiting the A&E department, so fresh and funny. but it isn't really, it'll be a place where i'll be working for the next 6 months. and as you know my last three months in this hospital proved to be a positive experience, i would embrace my future with open hands, looking forward to more time at home and more time for my study as well as more more time for my hobbies and spiritual growth. hope a few months later you'll see a different me, not anymore afraid of winds.

(graduation day, December 2004)

last night, i had the greatest evening since i'm here in tuen mun. my parents came to visit me and those few hours were such quality time. we walked in the streets of 'new town' back to chelsea heights in the cool autumn breeze, chatting and smiling....

most important of all, they taught me the secret of life last night. i promise, never will i forget...

it's been a busy week! last week of internal medicine in ward C10, i have been secretly saying bye-bye's to my patients... i'll miss being here so much but i'm looking forward to the unknown challenge and excitement of the casualty! i know i'll come back to medicine more mature and intelligent...

my colleague shirley bought me a box of chicken masala powder from india last week. tonight, i am finally free to try cooking it myself. daring betty, i intended to invite ken to try it but he wasn't in town! so i started this experiment on my own, knowing if i had to throw the dish away i could make myself (yet another!) pot of popcorn for dinner! i didn't have a recipe, just used what was in my fridge... chopped onion with chopped garlic heated in a pan, when brown stir in chicken breast marinated with yoghurt and some curry powder. then stir in chopped tomatoes and chopped coriander. ok. that was supposed to be it but then i saw some lemon juice in the fridge and thought i should give it a sqeeze too. squirted some into the dish, added some salt.... guess how it tasted with steamed rice... amazingly, it did tasted like FOOD. phew.... isn't it amazing.... in fact i ate it all without puking it up. hahah.

wanna try it next time?

... And there will be nobody who knows more of you
Than I do, and more of all your goodness
Love me, our youth is so brief...

Thinking of you.... love, betty

"Come To Me" by Celine Dion

I will always love you no matter what
No matter where you go or what you do
And knowing you
You're gonna have to do things your own way
And that's okay
So be free, spread your wings
And promise me just one thing...

If you ever need a place to cry
Baby, come to me
Come to me
I've always known that you were born to fly
But you can come to me

If the world breaks your heart
No matter where on Earth you are
You can come to me

Don't walk around with the world on you're shoulders
And you're highest hopes laying on the ground
I know you think you've gotta try to be my hero
But dont you know the stars you wish upon they fall its true
But I still belive in you

If you ever need a place to cry
Baby, come to me
Come to me
I've always known that you were born to fly
But you can come to me

If the world breaks your heart
No matter where on Earth you are
You can come to me

And the seven sea's you sail
All the winding road you're on
Leave you lost and feeling all alone
Let my heart be your beacon home
If you ever need a place to cry
Baby, come to me
Come to me

I've always known that you were born to fly
But you can come to me

When the world breaks your heart
No matter where on Earth you are
You can come to me

in the lonesome hours, where are your footsteps?

so i dragged my 'heavy' body to the town centre to get my parcel. of course i had to stop by the public library which is just right by the post office. and suddenly, all my energy bounced back in a split second, i swiftly ran through all the rows like a crazy kid and let my heart dragged me to the books that i belong to. i suddenly forgot i had only slept for just about an hour the night before, even after spending allll my energy on the lady who was in deep septic shock and hypothermia with renal shutdown... (oh God, i hope i did the right thing, but thank God she's now in good hands thanks to a very competent senior who's the case doctor!!)

so there, i came up with other ideas now, i found 2 books about nepal which i couldn't put down (now, i really don't know where i'll end up in november!) and 2 books on drawing. amazingly enough, i saw it in the book exhibition but i thought it was too expensive... now i am in possession of it for two weeks at least :)

with my shoulder carrying a pile of books... i walked into the post-office. peeking through the window i saw the man search for my parcel, it was tiny!~ it quite disappointed me, coz you know it was quite a lot of money and expectations!! indeed, when i got home i ripped the thing open, and couldn't find anything inside...!!! the book was so small that it was hidden in the cardboard. it's merely the size of my palm.

but as i flipped through the book, only then, did i discover that this will definitely be one of my most treasured items on my bookshelf.... Xi Murong's mysterious charm can never be estimated by sizes or looks... simply, the inner reality that once triggered the fire in me, will keep on burning...

(excelsior hotel evening tonight, really really looking forward to this night out!)

in hospital for night duty again... all is quiet and calm, phew! i have a great friend who is also a senior on call with me tonight, what feeling of security it is of having her around! though i know i won't try to ask for help often, let's hope so.

just admitted a young girl, same age as me, 25 to the ward. she came in with some weird skin rash i couldn't make out what it was. anyway let's hope the blood results come back tomorrow directing us to what it is... she's such a smiley girl, even though she has to sleep here in the ward tonight. and her bf is so caring and supportive... so envious.

(one of) my parcels finally arrived hong kong! dunno which book it'd be, i ordered 2 books just a few weeks ago and the expected date of arrival is mid-oct! i really hope it's the poem book. and i hope it's a good one too. maybe i bet on it with too much money, but amazon only had 2 left in stock. couldn't not take the chance...

so 8 more days i'll be leaving medical department and entering the unknown world called emergency... i think i'll miss it here, even the moaning ladies who are curled up like dried shrimps.... my salary will be hkd$ 1700 less but i'll make the best use of the no-call time, believe me...

will write to you soon, you know who you are :)
love,
bets

(sorry there isn't a photo for tonight. i'm in hospital! i'll make up with a nice colour instead)

* * *
sometimes, i feel like i'm rehabilitating. but at least, deep in my heart i feel there's one day when i'll know i'm fully recovered.

"... you do not have to understand all God's ways with you. God does not expect you to understand them. You do not expect your child tounderstand, only believe. Some day you will see the glory of God in the things which you do notunderstand... "

wipe your tears dry... the day will come...
and you will smile again...

(there is a castle on a cloud... i'd like to go there in my sleep....)

it's holiday today, it's a hot and sunny day after mid-autumn festival was greeted by bouts of tropical monsoon weather yesterday. sunny with big bouncy white clouds. just now, i went to my bedroom, lying on my bed i witnessed clouds passing by one by one through the massive piece of glass. it made me feel so small, so comforting...

i'm feeling better these days...

in fact this last week i started some real cooking, like green curry and italian chicken and pea risotto. yesterday it was a british fry up brunch: bacon, chicken sausages, tomatoes, scrambled eggs and fried garlic topped up with melted cheddar cheese, wrapped by my also homemade pancakes (doesn't that sound so yummy!), and potato salad with a yoghurt-miracle whip dressing (my random creation...) followed by bread pudding for dessert (oops, forgot about the butter!) it seemed to have taken ages but it made me very very satisfied and full... i bet others would enjoy this too (yes, come to betty's b&b anytime!)

so i went to church for the first time in my 2 months here in tuen mun finally. the sun was so hot it didn't make me want to leave my home, and i didn't make it for the 8am mass but thank God for dragging me to the next one... it has given me enough hope and faith and energy to get through next week! i also listened to taize's music, bringing up sooo many memories of my old school.

ok. i took a photo while i was lying in bed watching the clouds go by so you can also try to feel it (though the clouds were made so small in the photo!). hope i do some good study today, and that God will give me enough courage to plan for my trip to nepal... talk soon...

http://www.pbase.com/gosamer/candlelight

(osaka city, japan)
I stare at the clouds, and the quiet fury of rain. I stand under this pouring sky, under the grieving clouds, and it feels so cold here. Like the breezes in the west coast of england, seeping into each part of my flesh. Like those times in my medicine clerkship in january: Shiver. Sadness. Solitude. Silence. This past year I've learned so much about myself, yet not enough. Never enough. I discovered, I only tried to hide in a place that beared your footprint, but the restless sea kept washing you up against me. I, warming myself up with my small palms, remembered what I read in the book yesterday. It read, "Remember love, it is more important than remembering somebody's name." Tonight, I discovered that this is what I have achieved.

* * *
pondering on love, solitude and wonder
there's a song i'd like to share with you, on this wild, windy and velvety night. let me sing to you..

Close your eyes
Give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same
Or am i only dreaming
Is this burning, an eternal flame

I believe
It's meant to be, darling
I watch you when you are sleeping
You belong with me
Do you feel the same
Or am i only dreaming
Is this burning, an eternal flame

Say my name, sun shines through the rain
Of all life so lonely
Then come and ease the pain
I don't want to lose this feeling, oooh

Oh oh.....

我有一種好奇怪的感覺，覺得那一晚，破的不是氣球，是我幸福的童年。

* * *
thanks sandra for stopping by, i will write to you soon, wait for me :)
happy mid-autumn festival everyone

with love and hugs,
betty

morning has broken... another night shift has nearly ended. it's now 7.30am, thank God for giving me a safe night, though i went to the camp bed in the ward at 3am with quivering arms and legs and too restless and apprehensive about my patients to fall asleep, and woken up at 4am sharp to be welcomed by a handful (in fact, 2 handfuls!) of new patients, my night has finally been over. i looked out of the window and there comes the sun clothed in purple and orange, dawning over the hill far away, nurses quietly working in action handling out breakfast and medicines, and i was swiftly walking to and fro, writing up histories and examining patients. ahh... i really thank God for such a night. i was trembling in the cool temperature and wished i had a warmer blanket. though i only had an hour's sleep, eyes looking dark and sleepy, under the green mask hides a big smile. it's holiday today, tomorrow and the next! happy mid-autumn festival everyone. hope i get my beach 'party' sorted at gold coast. i'm so looking forward to light candles on a beach. this is my yearly important event... this time i'll be spending it with my sister and some friends. i remembered 2 years ago i went alone to discovery beach on mid-autumn's to meet a brazilian family for the first time. i was so nervous and excited, i told my mother i had 'met' them online(!!) and my parents were so worried of having me smugged. well, it turned out a special special evening spent on a beach where i lost myself in the sea of candlelight, laughter and smiles... now the Porto's are back to belo horizonte i think of them often... it'll be ouro preto my ultimate destination........

ok, so more photo shoots tomorrow hopefully. today after work i'll recover my energy and hopefully just relax for a day, that won't be too much do you think?

finally learned that i really will be working in the accidents and emergency in 2 weeks' time, for a whole *6 months! save me, Lord...

despite all the bad things i hear about this swap, i hope i will get the most of it. i hope i won't be too drained either, you know the casualty packed with all those gory things...

on call tonight, will talk more later, wish me luck :)

um, wrote a really really long letter, do you think it'll be appreciated?

Hi Betty,

Look out to the sky, such a beautiful day reminds me the time we had in Nice, in Eze enjoying the breeze from the Mediterranean. It's less than a day now before you reach the 'other shore'! And wait for me there, I'll join you no less than 2 days. Then we can have a sip of coffee with your sweet smile as beautiful as the flowers.
Waiting for the day to come.

Love, Marshall

(2 days before our mbbs finals finished)

* * *
im gonna recede for a little while and do some readjusting and revising, i think i do need some time to start smiling again! just learned i'll be working in the A&E for the next 6 months,
wish me luck,

until then, with lots of love,
betty

Longing to read Across the darkness of the river...

(autumn is the cruellest month, as i think of you. the sad river, victoria harbour, hong kong)

"if you should forget me
i will disappear as quietly
as the white snow off the trees
one morning, with the cold absence of green
naked, your branches will stare emptily at the moon
outside our window, remembering at last
how we once slept here entangled
each night, listening to the wind
moving in the leaves"

~natasha, my friend from mumbai

* * *
yesterday, i sat at home quietly wondering what it was that made me feel so empty and uneasy, i tried relaxing but failed. the moment i arrived the hospital today i understood why i had such a supernatural feeling last night. one of my patient had died unexpectedly last night, as a series of event of 'should have nots' and misfortune have taken place. as i reflected on what i should have done, what it is that makes me so lonesome and useless, i can only say, i've done my best.

Spring

That sunny afternoon under the trees
Humming our favourite melody
Enclosed by the fragrance of fresh grass and buttercups
Did we make any daisy chains?

The gorgeous May springtime
Thick hedges and gates wrapping us
Blinding you from the harshness
Of the world outside
Today. Is it the reason
Why life has turned this way?

(oh yes, we made lots of daisy chains, humming that flowy song of andy hui, i can almost smell the fresh grass, with the melody swirling inside my head......)

* * *
sprained my left ankle first thing this morning in hospital today, what a fantastic start. hit it into something really hard, that wooden table made my ankle numb for a few minutes! didn't think it'd hurt that much, but i ended up being bandaged and walks with a cripple now... well, will it heal soon?

lovely S will have her Lasik tomorrow, i pray that she'll come out with beautiful eyes, gorgeous as always...


sometimes, i wanna say something and leave an impression, but perhaps, i should rather stay silence and unnoticed, forgotten......

(my past like the lights of queen mary hospital in the background, blurred and out of reach)

had a long long dream last night, of you, maybe i thought about you too much before i went to bed. it felt so real, so comforting, yet, i woke up and realised none of it had happened, just my heart, frantically, beating......

i dreamed that i went travelling with you, somewhere far away in a busy and foreign town, it was like we were rushing to a destination, but savouring bits and pieces of what we experience on our way. you were smiling, i was smiling. you were holding my hand and we bumped into our friends, it was warm and so ... i dunno how to describe that. i can feel my nose with a tinch of sourness and my eyes getting wet.oh well!! i know i have to laugh it off and pretend nothing had happened, just like in the dream. after all, it's only me who have thought and done too much.

um, my heart is still dull aching, after i poked a thick needle twice into a young man's belly to draw out some fluid from his abdomen for suspected peritonitis, i hurt him terribly, i knew. but when he said thanks to me twice, it just made me more bitter, hurting people but getting praised for it, i dunno why... isn't it ironic, don't you think?

* * *
"Ironic" by alanis morissette

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out
when you think everything's gone wrong and
everything blows up in your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

And isn't it ironic... dontcha think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

(will i be as free as a bird, soon?)

yhn, my nickname
13th may 2005

um, dunno why i'd come back. I think I do... you know me.... well there. that's enough isn't it? just want to type a few random things here before I sleep......

last Sunday I walked down to the medical library after work. it was raining and it kinda felt lonely. as always... and i was greeted by a floor of white and custard-coloured flowers. what a surprise when everybody looks down to avoid the rain getting into their eyes. it was so pure and so innocent. all over the ground of sassoon road. and as always, i thought of you. wish you had also seen it.

now, just listening to the soundtrack of 'calling out love in the centre of the world', and everything is coming back to me... argh... but i know, there's nothing that i can do, apart from being strong and myself.

like today's interview in tuen mun was so harsh, so real and i was so in shock! they asked me sooo many questions, but the worst part wasn't the questions, but the aftertaste of the culture shock i'm about to experience! so even when i got back to the warzone in QM, i had a real adreanaline rush for the whole day today. even until i arrived at soho waiting for sharon for dinner. i wonder, how i can cope with such a rush every day of my new MO life...

so, another day has just passed without you calling. um. another day.

i wish i could write more here. there are loads in my head. maybe i'll unload them next time round. will you come and read it?

(please God grant me serenity and feeling of security...
a never to be found again scenery, London bridge station)

God, i hate going through my past.... this plain and silly person.
but i went through my old feelings this evening and can't help but think what a fool i've been... and it looks as if i had gone through no improvement at all...
isn't it ironic.

* * *
Epilogue, april 23th 2005

Today, I have nothing apart from this passage to share with you. It's from one of the books, Kahlil Gibran's Broken Wings, that I discovered during the SARS period. I remember one day some years ago, it was typhoon and I was walking on my own in Tsim Sha Tsui in the furious wind, to QE hospital to visit his father. It felt like doomsday, the wind was furious and it was raining. Policemen running in the streets wearing their never-before-seen black rain-jacket seeming to do something important. Concrete slabs fell down from the old buildings right in front of my eyes, I thought I'd be hit by one of them in any moment.... And now, I'm sitting on my desk in my room. Looking out there are some big birds sliding, and the air was full of noises of the traffic. But there is something else, something else that I can't write on paper, can't describe but it just seems similar to that day... that typhoon day....

My sorrow for Marshall has been for long. Yesterday, I cried and cried and cried, only remembering this passage in my head. This I'll share with you, while I recede into silence, for I know today will be the end of my sorrow. Last night, the fire at last broke out and burned away my desire. As I finally understood what love means.

Thank you to everybody who have supported my dark days, I'll come out like a butterfly and flap my wings. You know what, I still have a lot of interesting things to share with you, you know what I am like, hubbly bubbly talking away everything and anythings....

With love,Betty

* * *
1st Chapter of Kahlil Gibran's "The Broken Wings"

"Today, after many years have passed, I have nothing left out of that beautiful dream except painful memories flapping like invisible wings around me, filling the depths of my heart with sorrow, and bringing tears to my eyes; and my beloved, beautiful Selma, is dead and nothing is left to commemorate her except my broken heart and tomb surrounded by cypress trees. That tomb and this heart are all that is left to bear witness of Selma.

The silence that guards the tomb does not reveal God's secret in the obscurity of the coffin, and the rustling of the branches whose roots suck the body's elements do not tell the mysteries of the grave, by the agonized sighs of my heart announce to the living the drama which love, beauty, and death have performed.Oh, friends of my youth who are scattered in the city of Beirut, when you pass by the cemetery near the pine forest, enter it silently and walk slowly so the tramping of your feet will not disturb the slumber of the dead, and stop humbly by Selma's tomb and greet the earth that encloses her corpse and mention my name with deep sigh and say to yourself, "here, all the hopes of Gibran, who is living as prisoner of love beyond the seas, were buried. On this spot he lost his happiness, drained his tears, and forgot his smile."

By that tomb grows Gibrans' sorrow together with the cypress trees, and above the tomb his spirit flickers every night commemorating Selma, joining the branches of the trees in sorrowful wailing, mourning and lamenting the going of Selma, who, yesterday was a beautiful tune on the lips of life and today is a silent secret in the bosom of the earth.

Oh, comrades of my youth! I appeal to you in the names of those virgins whom your hearts have loved, to lay a wreath of flowers on the forsaken tomb of my beloved, for the flowers you lay on Selma's tomb are like falling drops of dew for the eyes of dawn on the leaves of withering rose."

* * *
http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/news/gosamer/

(as i long, long for you out there, though only God knows where or who you are)

thank God, i'm feeling better, once again.

finally i'm at home, after a whirlwind friday. thank god my presentation went fine, luckily no panic set in, i was able to talk comfortably without stuttering in front of all the seniors and unknown people. you know, i ought to make a good impression as a new staff... and with me being the only doctor to admit patients this afternoon was i'd say a really demanding task and left me with a sore throat and heavy heart, but i made it :)

i wonder when i can leave work with a light mind and not worry about my patients too much! it's so unhealthy, affecting my sleep! but really, you know why i'm sleeping poorly...

will be on the shittiest/absolutely worst call night tomorrow, it's the busiest time of the whole week, saturday afternoon-evening! pray to lord that it will smoothly pass...... hope my first driving lesson on sunday won't be a 'crashing' one, you know my post call-days always feel like hangovers...

here's a poem for you, as i'm frantically thinking....

The meaning of poem

If you'd suddenly ask
Why I'd write poems
Why wouldn't I
Do something else more practical?

Then I wouldn't know
How to answer your question
Like a goldsmith, working day and night
Just to stretch my sorrow into
Gold jewels, thin as a dragonfly's wings

I wonder, as I
Transform my grief, into
Shiny and smooth words
Would you think
it still is beautiful?

why am i in sorrow still, after 365 days? no, it's been 2190 days.
why have i been insomniac for two whole months and and feeling absolutely drowned in unknown sadness? why am i still hiding feelings in my heart all to myself and not take a step ahead and chuck them away. why am i so fucking stupid... why do i think so much of others when nobody thinks anything of me...

goodbye innocence. i'll keep you right inside my heart, forever. the flowers have wilted, long before you had a chance, which you never cherished and taken heart... you are so ruthless! why? why would you do that? you meanie. i can never get cross, just very, very hurt. don't you remember xi mu-rong's phrase that you read in the bookshop? all out of your mind now? i bet..