i'm closing down this site soon.
i'll never stop writing, you know that.
will start writing at a no man's land.

it's been hard.
feels like walking in central late at night when no one is around.
it really was a dream, afterall.

hi world, i'm back :)
been busy as ever.
took time to go into town and developed my horizon photos
it was fun.

www.pbase.com/gosamer/panorama

now i believe in destiny.
can i tell you about it tomorrow??

nite, bets

haven't had such a feeling for a long long time.
that freedom. lightness.
no more saying your name in darkness.

i guess, it really took me half the time...

Young and Foolish

I remember sitting back 'cause you said you had something to say
You told me that you had a secret, yeah yeah
Promised to keep it safe
I kept it for you

And we talked and we laughed and we sat in the car watched the world go past
I tried to disuade you but you made up your mind
You were wise at 17

And there was nothing i could do and there was nothing i could say
I didn't know why you asked me your gonna do it anyway
Everybody makes mistakes ooh and everybody feels the same
There was nothing i could do and there was nothing i could say

They said we grown up to fast, that we acted young and foolishly
I keep all this in mind when i recall the time
I have to disagree, and be here for you

Oooh and we talked and laughed and we sat in the park and watched the world go past
I tried to disuade you but you know what your like
You were wise at 17

And there was nothing i could do and there was nothing i could say
I didn't know why you asked me your gonna do it anyway
Everybody makes mistakes ooh and everybody feels the same
There was nothing i could do and there was nothing i could say

Birds in the tree sing a song for me
About being young and foolish and naive
I haven't changed that much from what i see
I was only trying to make things right

And there was nothing i could do and there was nothing i could say
I didn't know why you asked me your gonna do it anyway
Everybody makes mistakes ooh and everybody feels the same
There was nothing i could do and there was nothing i could say

gosh, it seems it's taking me forever to catch up with my sleep since i'm back in hong kong! thankfully my night shift last night was mingled with some good quality sleep in between, i was able to hang on til 1pm today and went food shopping for my sushi, corinander and beef for soup tonight! well, it's time for my detoxification therpy and my face mask tonight...

i miss my days in england so much. loved my friends (they are so warm and so cuddly and ever so caring). the gardens. meadows. markets and supermarkets. i only had merely 2 days to walk my way around, wished i had more time. here's my summary:

day 1 picked up at the airport by helen. point to point horse racing near guildford with the 3 girls plus louise shaw-brown and her mother. no doubt i sat on the grass and did some good revision while we had a picnic!

day 2 morning at brick lane, the baishakhi mela festival with jennifer. didn't see any Bangla dancing but bumped into polly and philip my friends from hong kong also on their travels! what a tinny wynne(!) world! rest of day spent studying hard.

day 3 spent studying harder and some phone calls in between

day 4 voila exam time. travelled to near the thames for my exam. the next 6 hours was.. uh... long. i made it with the packet of glucose energy tablets. and sarah's heartfelt packed lunch!!!!!!! then dinner with helen, sarah and becca for a scrumptious british hearty meal at balham to end the long day

day 5 my first day of sightseeing in london! left balham early and caught the train to kew garden with sarah on her way to work. a rather gloomy day but i loved it there. beautiful flowers and lots of lots of babies and children! perhaps i arrived too early, there was nobody in sight while i walked through the dew drenched fields listening to birds siging while looking for hidden flowers in the meadows! each photo i took symbolised a delightful moment...

then i went on to oxford circus to my clothes and books hunting. did my usual favourite shopping at topshop and mango. then headed towards borders and tried to find a book NARNIA. sadly, didn't have time to buy any (i spent too long b*a shopping, oh my...)

then invited by jennifer to try out the famous crepes at hempstead. had a butter ham and cheese watching the rain fell. it was so good. that left us all thirsty and we carried on our chat at starbucks. which was followed by a REALLY yummy spanish meal with paella with jenny near leicester square....

day 6 was my last day in london. i first went to trafalgar square, talked to a kind stranger while sitting on a bench absorbing the sun. then headed to the national gallery which i've never been. kind of made me feel a tad artistic (which led me to buy yet another petite box of watercolours later on). bought half a pint of milk (that was the cheapest drink i could find!) and walked my way to covent garden looking like an idiot... unfortunately no good buys this time, only had my favourite cornish pasty for lunch.

somehow i walked and walked, and to my surprise i saw the Thames! london never seemed that small. i walked through the bridge and it was waterloo, the london eye and the lovely river. i just spent some time watching the world go by, listening to musicians playing on the riverside. what a shame i didn't have a book with me, that would've been perfect.

by that time i knew i had little time left for london. and my energy level (and moneywise!) was running down... but i just had to pop into WHSmith at the waterloo station my used to favourite hangout while waiting for the train... and read tens of magazines free...

well, i might have missed out some juicy bits by mistake... but perhaps they're all on photographic paper, haha... you can follow the previous link.

talk next time, bets

been so tired this past weekend i have hardly any energy to write, just some new photos for the time being... will write more later :)

http://www.pbase.com/gosamer/london2006

(travelling into the city, looking into the unknown)

hey guys, i'm back!!
it's been a good trip. i don't know if there's a better word for it.
have so much to say, so much to share.. will tell you about it all.. but i'm so tired i'm going to go to bed coz it's early morning work tomorrow.
i just learned that mum went into hospital yesterday, but thank God she's ok. she's under good hands, her doctor is my classmate!
love, bets

ps. kandi i got your postcard from jaipur today! made me soooooo happy!!

so happy to read about kandice's whereabouts these days with her final year travels (www.xanga.com/golfcrazie), keeps me dreaming about the himalayas!! god, i thought heaven was in the canadian rockies, it seems like there's another heaven in asia. one day i'll get there, perhaps after my honeymoon, brrrrr.

reading basic sciences now, so boring yet so fascinating. i just wished i read it a little earlier than now! i'm gonna fly to the moon tomorrow night! for the rest of next week, here's some bits and pieces to keep u going... http://www.pbase.com/gosamer/pinhole

do you think i can find any devon scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam next week? wish me luck :))

wait for me.... i'll miss you loads.

thank you for the good luck dinner last night. though i hated to see the reflection of my eyes in the train..

i better not count the seashells i have now...
there must have a good reason for not counting for these months.

do you remember something i wrote a few months ago:

i hate it when a good person doesn't get good return
i hate it when i feel fragile standing in the cold wind
i hate it when reality hits me like a fierce slap onto my face
i hate it when i am always the figure in a sad story
i hate it when my dream is shattered into pieces of broken glass in 5 seconds
why am i always the most sensitive?
why am i the most foolish out of all my friends?

your reply only made me cry even more
only to come across this poem yet again:

Not all dreams are in time to be fulfilled
Not all words are in time to be told
Regrets is always deeply engrained in hearts after separation
Despite that they have said
All things in this world are in the end futile

I do not intend to miss it
Yet I always have
Having missed the flowering end yesterday
Once again
I miss today

Today we will reenact the same ritual of separation
For the rest of our lives we will be strangers
with you so far away
In the evening haze i give you a deep bow
please
take care for me
Even though they have said
All things in this world are after all after all
futile

argh, i guess i'll retreat for a few days, it's been, what a thought.

had a lovely long chat with monica last night, she's getting married!! i'm so so so happy for her. can imagine her in a lovely bridal dress!! she's been such a good friend of mine. now betty, you have to lo lik...

By the river

Let me shake hands, and say bye-bye to you
And lightly release my hand from yours
Knowing that my soulful longing
Will start to grow from here
In the bright day of floating clouds,
Where mountains look respectful, but tender

Let me shake hands, and say bye-bye to you
And lightly release my hand from yours
This is where my youth will end
Warm tears will form rivers in my heart

I looked into your eyes, with such reluctance
By the river, there's not one flower
I could pick and give to you
So let me put my heartfelt blessings
As a badge on your coat

And tomorrow...
We will be heaven and earth apart

渡口

讓我與你握別
再輕輕抽出我的手
知道思念從此生根
浮雲白日
山川莊嚴溫柔

讓我與你握別
再輕輕抽出我的手
華年從此停頓
熱淚在心中匯成河流

是那樣萬般無奈的凝視
渡口旁找不到一朵
可以相送的花
就把祝福別在襟上吧

而明日
明日又隔天涯

there's always a sad poem that everytime i flick open my book of heart it floats out of nowhere, killing me slowly.. and yet not so far away in the background, a new melody softly started singing. how rich the dialogues have become even without words, the devotion, and the gesture.. it's like last time when i played the last page of ravel's sonatine no.1, echoing the passionate and voluptuous criss-cross of F# major and C# minor... the embrace between our inner realities... thus a new song...

(guess i'll leave the new song to next time... :)

how about a few hours' break on sunday... that is if i study hard enough this week :)
study harder now.

The Baishakhi Mela 2006

http://www.baishakhimela.com/

(post night shift lunch by the victoria harbour, lurvooly)

i miss life lots, surely will be back soon :) will start to plan the trip to Kyushu, Japan with wen and laetitia after i'm all done with this exam

study leave starts today... flight on friday night, exam on tuesday.
wish me luck, good weather and enough faith and good friendship

take care wherever you are in the world, my friends. i'll be back playing on the keyboard and writing my poems soon,
bets

if you'd ask me, there is only one word i'd use to describe my only reminescence of you:- FLAMBOYANCE.
it only gives me a painful wrench as i savour those use-to-be fond memories of him. sadly, they have only culminated (or degraded) into empty shell of a big and muscular figure. it's really sad.
it'd be in my dreams if he finds me again smiling and for me to find out he actually still is the same genuine person that i have first met 6 years ago.
but wouldn't that be more painful then?
um. forget about that. i know i'm only on a mission to be down to earth person. if it also entails finding one who's down to earth also.

i wonder how many more years it'll take me to laugh again.

yes, i remember your promise on the 8th. hope my sore'll be healed then, ouch.

(link for the photo http://www.pbase.com/image/58617429)

another half a day of work then i'll be on leave for 13 days!! will be revising at home til the 12th, flying in the early hours of 13th. just hope everything will go fine, including the exam, the unpredictable london underground trains, my friends, my health, the foreign bed... hope it'll be sunny in london, oh God how much i need some cool and fresh spring air, a light backpack and some travelling novels!! can't wait just to hop into my favourite teashop, smelling all the flavours and teapots, writing my travel journal, looking forward to a trip without a destination, savouring europe's soleil de mai.

looking forward to the good luck meal. i'll dump all predilection, whatever it takes.

goodnight for now,

(the bus girl)

i flicked open a book from the bookshelf just now, it's Xi's "The Youth Without Regrets, in fact i picked it up from a corner bookshop in taipei this time last year. funny how i remembered my feelings this time last year, so different yet so similar. soon, i'm yet to embark on another journey to search God, my true identity, and the world. do you think 2 days are enough? can you imagine me wearing a little red backpack and wearing my brown flip flops and hop like a little girl in the streets of london? hope i'll come back more passionate towards my work, my family, my patients. myself.

which reminds me, i picked up a christian magazine while i was in the corridor at work late last night. it brought tears to my eyes. it was an article about the love a woman had for his husband who's passed away. how their relationship merged with our Father. ah. it was one of the most touching things that i've ever read. it would be such an honour for me to have such a love for a man too, i thought. well, i know how i've been all my life, just that people don't appreciate enough. but i remembered what esther once said to me, that if i carry on praying, God will hear my prayer... So, i started praying, for God to hear my plea and fill my heart.

that being said, i received a call from heaven last night! it was a sweet voice from india asking me "what colours do you want?" haha... sweet kandi, i love her so much.

which goes to say, i love you too.