(i think, aren't there many secrets in my head...? my best buddy Tessa's home in Exeter)

so my damp eyes took a long time to subside. took the whole of last two days, felt my eyes were constantly 'hydrated' with moist today. too bad, i promised myself (for the millionth time, but anyway let me say it for the last time again!) i won't send silly mobile text messages anymore, at least not to people who don't care about me.

woon kow passed away 7 hours after i last saw her on saturday night. God bless her, she passed away peacefully. i didn't get used to the sight of an empty bed no. 46 this morning, but felt released. afterall, we do our earthly things at our best, and God will manage the rest, won't He?

bumped into my 'twin sister' during the department meeting today, disclosed her about what i felt that night when i was on call when everything in my world seemed to have tumbled down like a bucket of cold water. candia is my senior who looks almost like me with a facemask on, but with much more knowledge and wisdom. she was there too and with me the whole while that day, while i explained the poor condition to a crowd of crying family, while i placed that massive needle into the lady's neck, while i panicked about calculating the adrenaline and dobutamine infusion rates, and pondering on how to handle the ICU lady who slammed down my phone call earlier.... standing by my side in the quiet meeting, she whispered,"you have to be strong! even if the patient is dying, you have to give your confidence and do your best! But you know? you saved the lady's life that day. she wouldn't have survived without what you did."

i guess, that's exactly what keeps me to carry on... :)

night night, have to get ready for another day... i'm feeling much better now, thanks God :)

(My dear darling sponsored child Charnie Jane- www.children.org)

Dearest Charnie,
How are you? So happy to see a new photo of yours. You have grown! What a pretty face you have. I'm so happy to have known you and your family. It's been a few months since I last wrote to you. There has been a lot of changes with me. I now live alone far away from my hometown, to work in a new hospital as a junior doctor. Everything is new here, the environment, the home that i live in, the people I meet, my whole life seems to have changed! It's a big challenge, but it's been two months now and I've made it! The job is tough but it gives me an overwhelming feeling of serving those in need. We all grow, don't we? Hope one day you'll grow up into a beautiful lady with a whole big future in your hands. I can't wait to see that moment...

Smile for me, will you? God bless you and your family. I am thinking of you always.

With lots of love,
Betty

yesterday's on call night drained my heart and soul out. it was the worst scenario that i have taken ever since working in this hospital. the patient was at her worst, and i was the one in charge, and a few hours seemed everlasting. i kept calm but my fingers were involuntarily tremoring. in the end, i sent her away to the ICU, and there were a dozen of newly arrived patients waiting for me at the other end... when i went home i bursted into tears. remembered i got told in the interview there were people who quit after two months of working in this hospital. now, i've worked for 2 months, am i to quit just because of a bad night like this?

i was already one hour late when i finished off everything. i had hardly any energy to rush out of the door, but before i left i caught a glimpse of 'woon kow', a lady i have taken care of for more than 3 weeks. she came in with shortness of breath, and was only diagnosed with lung cancer last week. it was too late a stage, there was not much we could do for her. everyday i go to work seeing her breath a little harder each time, and her right arm and face a little more swollen. everyday i ask myself, can i do something? i asked my seniors, my elder colleagues, and they all shook their heads. and i couldn't bear to see my patient wither away just like that. i wished i could give her some syrup morphine a little earlier but she didn't let me. last night when i saw her, i knew her suffering was finally to come to an end, her pulse rate was down to 50, she lay there, unconscious. i stood by her side and held her hand, but she didn't grab my hand anymore like she used to when on the BiPAP machine. she was gasping, drowned in hypercapnia. i said goodbye to her quietly and i felt my eyes were damp.

am i really that useless?

it's not a happy day today. i looked drained and i feel that i have nothing left.
i feel so arthralgic and tired, squeezing my last smile when i said goodbye to my patients.

the chubby granny 'kam ho' whom i took care of for almost 2 months was finally diagnosed with diffuse large b cell lymphoma, and i sent her away to haematology ward for chemotherapy today. thinking about it these 2 months have been so eventful for her, her temperature came up and down and up and down, spiking angrily like a monster, and we couldn't find a cause. sometimes, i wondered if it was someone else, would she have an earlier diagnosis? mm maybe.

i only hope i can be in my elements. wouldn't that be beautiful?
do you think i get a chance to be beautiful again?
please, give me one.

um,
don't know what to write today
but i'll try to make me happy today, and onward

一棵開花的樹

如何讓你遇見我
在這最美麗的時刻　為這
我已在佛前　求了五百年
求祂讓我們結一段塵緣
佛於是把我化作一棵樹
長在你必經的路旁
陽光下慎重地開滿了花
朵朵都是我前世的盼望

當你走近　請你細聽
那顫抖的葉是我等待的熱情
而當你終於無視地走過
在你身後落了一地的
朋友啊　那不是花瓣是我凋零的心

fell in love with rainy days, with raindrops submerging into the total darkness above, with me sitting quietly in the living room listening to the new song by andy lau, opening my heart to the silence within me. i have my NOT lamp turned on beside me, the light projecting up into a corner of the ceiling, oh what a perfect evening.... i wish i have the old smell of ginger lily, but i know, there are some things in the past that i must not ask for again, but i'm content for what i have now. for i know my heart is not lost....

no i have not forgotten you. just wanna say again, i...

www.pbase.com/gosamer/nightout (maybe later on tonight?)

love,
betty

(nice isn't it? cheung chau island)

been one exhausting weekend out into the centre of the world. like a whirlwind i'm now back in tuen mun again. though it rained heavily drowning the bottoms of my jeans and scared me with such lightning, it didn't damp me down. seeing my parents, chatting to my sister nonstop, feeling my own comfortable bed at home, seeing sharon for lunch, and in for some more shopping (like i've never seen a shop for the past month), i didn't feel i had enough energy to be at sophia's housewarming party in jordan this evening. but i promised her i'd be there and there i was, bringing a box of guilian truffles with me. thank God i went, saw sooooooo many familiar faces, and saw a lot of surprising smiles as people suddenly found out i was there also :) good old classmates elaine, hilda, trevor, yumi came too, us this bunch of newly developed doctors made a crowd and could not stop talking about our exciting hospital adventures. sounds funny doesn't it. we can never get away from gossips like those that happen in the ER.

sophia is one amazing lady who came all the way from ireland to hong kong to work with those in need, the homeless and the drug addicts. a pretty tough girl who learned chinese from scratch, now fluent and pretty colloquial. if you get to know her friends, you'll find out, they too, all speak chinese. some of them have tattooes and look like a gangster but when they sit down and pray, they concentrate in their conversation with God better than you do. and there's naomi who now works in bradbury hospice, i was so happy to see her again. remember it was her who read my resume line by line and made it look much better. and the funniest thing of the night must have been meeting a new friend called damaris! she too came from sherborne where i was for 5 years. i got baptised and confirmed in her catholic school 10 years ago and she got confirmed in my anglican school! what a small world. she told me about the children in poverty that she now works with in bangkok. and next month it'll be her wedding. i told her i was planning a trip to thailand next month..... and the story of a new friendship goes on....

(nam sang wai, july 2005. being thoughtful)

tonight, as i stumbled through the usual familiar path back home in taikoo shing, i could not even begin to think where it is that i really belong. this has been my home ever since i could read and walk. i've only been away for 1 month and everything now looked different, even the shop by the corner. or where the raindrops used to fall on. i once thought i belonged, but i know i don't now. well, i don't belong to tuen mun either, tonight's department dinner amplified this fact slightly too much. i cannot even begin to dream that the boy i used to love is still as innocent and sweet as how he's deep in my mind, for i fear he's now nothing like how i imagined for the past year.

i feel withdrawn, bitter.

worse now my best friends 'fleed' away from me.

* * *
but i know God will send my real friends to console me at my darkest hours. soon.
* * *
thank you david for sending me such a sentimental note. you were right, it made my day.. could you tell me more about yourself?

(Hyde Park, London. Wish I am as carefree like these flowers)

as i walked through the corridor in hospital today i wondered what it meant to convert a valley of sorrow into a well of hope. i didn't think i could do it. today i nearly collapsed. not because of work and incompetence or incapability, but with myself. felt i've been fooled by two of my best friends. it felt so disgusting and gross i felt so angry with me being so foolish and naive, and felt hopeless and lost. i tell myself it must be a punishment for being too plain and having too much faith in them. whatever.

but then after having stayed out all night furious until midnight, after asking all those dumb questions that nobody could answer, i came back home and my fire was suddenly extinguished. after all, there's just myself.

sad, isn't it. for there are so many questions in this world that you cannot answer, only left to your imagination until......

one day, i'll go to fiordland and see it all from the air above

kayaking with seals in abel tasman, surfing through the gorges of milford sound. travelling in hot air balloon above the forests. and i dream that there'll be someone, who'll be my companion in experiencing the jewel of the world.

god, that's my dream. the beginning of my second life.

(suddenly thought of this photo. kinda reflect what i think now: Mrs Scown's studio in Holcombe Burnell Barton)

how do i take comfort in the depths?

today i was pondering on what it means for me to have lost 2 of my best friends. i wonder, how would *you* feel if you have lost 2 best friends.

but then it occurred to me suddenly, if they were really my best friends to start with.

going through the valley of weeping, the valley of sorrow and pain, i wish i can make it into a well, a well large enough to hold all my tears and turn it into a spring...

still, i have to keep me going and in balanced so that i can really make it. i asked God what i should do. here comes some suggestions for tonight...

akira kurosawa's dreams and some debussy.......

(below the london eye and the big blue sky, i think of you...)

i'm entirely confused this week
finally... it had happened, this most dreaded thing of my dreams, only telling me how conventional i am as a vulnerable girl on this earth.

i remembered i last used this word 'vulnerable' to describe myself, back in december 2004. i felt so utterly stupid afterwards after getting to know this guy, wanna hide my face into the sand. but then someone came along and saved me, and started loving me, or that was how the 'story' went.

this time, i don't know what to think/anticipate. better not to think of anything.
lord, show me the way.

* * *
yes, having been so confused, i walked into the hospital christian cell group this afternoon, out of the blue, i was invited. i was the only MO taking in new admissions for medical ward from 1pm to 10pm, and after a sleepless night i felt like i was a piece of mud. maybe that was a punishment from god for being stupid, anyway, i walked into the room not expecting a thing, but then miracle happened... i started singing and praising God, and through the melodies, i heard i was forgiven. and during the next 10 hours i worked non-stop and only stopped for 1 minute to drink half a cup of water. i talked to numerous patients and families, touched some hearts and kept on writing till my pen ran out of ink. the last patient i saw was a 19 year old mentally retarded girl from siu lam hospital (one of the mental hospitals here). she wasn't congenitally retarded, but it was measles that gave her subacute panencephalitis. she was an indian girl with massive black round eyes, gazing at me with a emotionless stare. i didn't know what to think. i went up to her, examining her and looking for reasons why she had one week history of fever. she couldn't understand my command of 'please stick out your tongue', so i stuck out my own tongue and hoped she'd follow me. then miracle happened. she smiled with such glee after seeing my stupid face! she was so innocent and pretty. made my day. wouldn't it be so great if i always smile like her too...... i think i can do that!

(walking quietly in a park, Nari, Japan)

i've once read something from a chinese book,
"we always think we are the centre of the world, that it cannot live without us, our family, or that 'special' person cannot live without us, but when we had to leave, of course it'd hurt them, but as a wound, fresh blood cannot keep flowing, naturally, there'll be platelet aggregation, plugging the wound and stopping blood flow..."
and then i read someon say,
"i'd always thought when i'd left her, i have departed, but now i realised i'm the one who has been left behind."

with this weekend i cannot help to think that i'm not the one who has been left behind, but have departed. so there's not to be ashamed of.

i don't know if you know what these meant, but i'm not like the conventional ones, anyway.

if i could stay blissfully ignorant.......
if only.

God, why do i only find myself growing up only at times when i feel most lonely, betrayed and feeling utterly useless?

feels like my chest being torn apart, gross isn't it. it hurts, actually.

tonight regina came over and gave me an aromatherapy massage. mmm, felt so good. felt like melting under the warm massage oil of camomile lemon and sandlewood. softens my skin and she said i'm very 'oil absorbing' without the 'oil', hah~! you'll have to say this in chinese to understand what she really means (really, she wanna say i'm hot, haha!) but i'm a bit ticklish, luckily just at the tummy and knees. it relaxes my tense shoulder muscles from talking to patients' relatives non-stop this lunch time. thanks so much, it made my day. i played the wrong music though, dunno why i played some choral hymns (!), should have played some bossa nova instead. looking forward to the next session, i'll *definitely fall asleep this time.

been talking to ken today and we both reckon we need a break from all things medical! i'm gonna plan a holiday abroad. how about a photo trip to nepal or thailand in october/november? or perhaps i should really plan for a week in prague alone after *passing* my exam. i always dreamed of going to prague for my 'honey'moon, but now maybe i should just go ahead on my own. i wanna go alone and see and feel more for myself. i wanna go to new zealand too, suddenly fell in love with this country just this year. so much i wish to go to germany to see my phuong and antje and sweden to see erika and airchild. ai, i wonder when i can go to brasilia and see tarsila. south america is so out of reach, though always 1st in my dream list. work hard, betty...

* * *
1st driving lesson tomorrow. hope my *car won't crash :)
* * *
somehow, deep in my mind it flows this melody...
'tomorrow, shall be my dancing day. i would my true love did so chance...' wish you'd hear me sing it, it's a la-vu-ly song.

常夜燈

愈凍的天氣，吃雪糕才愈有意義，味覺都僵化了，要接吻才能和暖起來......
Haha ...