(wandering inside my favourite flourist, Agnes b')

An afternoon of lotus painting

In that July afternoon
Before the lotus of the tropical season
If you hadn't looked back

I could use any sort of themes
I could have painted,
A completely different portrait or watercolour
My whole life, could have had
Different happenings, if
Before the lotus of the tropical season
You had only walked past quietly

In that July afternoon, if
If you hadn't looked back

* * *
i chose this poem after being dumb shocked with the movie tonight. now i know, all i want is simplicity. i'm satisfied with what i have and what i don't have now. won't ask/wait for more from today onwards.

(miss miss... that sweet feeling)

exploding headache post-call. only woke up at 2pm, and missed the funeral of my uncle in cheung chau. but thinking of him here. hard to pay tribute to a man who spent 50 years in this world in merely one or two hours. he was one of the kindest and most gentle being on earth.

this morning when i was off work at nearly10am, the sky was crying and i didn't have my umbrella out in time, had myself soaked in the cold rain. my home is 10 minutes walk along the river from the hospital, after work it makes a good excuse to get chatting to somebody after work walking that long path by the river. my home overlooks the river and the huge space beyond. my dad loves the scene at night, the football pitch lit up by light, making the ground a soft light blue colour. maybe that sounds quite spooky, but i'd say romantic, really... see it for yourself.

an 80 old lady is dying in the hospital of disseminated cancer. she looks so gentle and mild under the oxygen mask i think she must have been a incredible mum and wife, her sons pay their respect to her every day and ask me her progress daily, though there's no progress, she's slowly withering like an old rose. out of the blue, a result slip was placed in the inbox yesterday. it was a syphilis test for peripheral neuropathy workup. it was positive. itold my senior about it and he said, "na, you're not going to ruin the respect of their deseased father by telling them he got their dying mum syphilis will you... it's probably the case..." gosh. i wish all men would consider for their loved ones more. what an embarrassment to the dying one.

i was in clinic the other day, you know it's the place where you can almost go bezonkers, with old ladies complaining about every part of their body and you don't know how to handle them! though i had the sweetest question asked by someone. she said,"doctor, can i see you next time i come back please?" it's this kind of things that makes you feel all that hard work is worthwhile!

The mountain lily

Standing still, blossoming in silence
This fragrant mountain lily
Silently blooming inside my heart

Nobody knows of its existence
Or its whiteness or purity
Only my traveler who drifts from town to town
In her solitary journey, will
Smile and often think of it

山百合

與人無爭　靜靜地開放
一朵芬芳的山百合
靜靜地開放在我的心裏

沒有人知道它的存在
它的潔白
只有我的流浪者
在孤獨的路途上
時時微笑地想起它來

* * *
do you think my grandfather had insight about my innate personality in giving me my chinese name? i reckon it must be that. only now did i realise i am this lily that i have read many times in my xi mu-rong book...

(at the cyberport. no photoshop used)

had such a pleasant surprise yesterday on the way to clinic in the morning :) somebody patted me on the shoulder in the lift, recognised me even through my mask! it was Lily, i took care of her when she came all the way from tuen mun to queen mary hospital to have an important operation. young, pretty, married to a wonderful husband and has a cute and 'guai' (gentle) 5 year old boy, was newly diagnosed with cancer. brave and faithful in God, she pulled the surgery through. i got talking to her when she first came into queen mary hospital working up for the op. and now, i have come all the way to work in tuen mun, and there she is! i did promise to call her when i'm settled so she can introduce me to this new town. now that i've met her , i'll have to make time to visit her for some more chat, can't wait....

i'm on call tonight. haven't been sleeping well every night since i'm here. loads of dreams. same setting each time. hope after this call as i turn into a 2-month resident i will gain more confidence and have more faith in myself. wish me luck... :)

cool rainy night in tuen mun. quiet pre-call night. haha, pay-day today i heard. my 1st month's salary as a real doctor, i still think it's so amazing. i'm going to donate some money to tung wah hospitals as a tribute to an important eye surgery that was done to an important person a few years ago. must be God's grace that it was found out incidentally (just because I wanted new glasses!) and everything went so smoothly. i've always waited for this day. anyway, i still haven't worked out how to donate the money yet. maybe i'll ask dad.

on this cool evening, waiting to watch 'through the raindrop i say i love you'... listening to stephanie suen's sickly sweet songs... would you imagine what i'm doing.... :) go on, have a guess...... haha, of course i'd go studying. i wanna pass MRCP part I and go travelling to Tibet soon..... :)

(look at me, yes... Stanley, Hong Kong)

logged on to friendster, caught sight of the blog i posted in march, here it reads,

"this cancer ward of mine, a place i'd now call my second home in this past month, nearly made me numb and senseless years back. funny, now in my last 2 weeks here, only did i remember how scared i used to be of this place some years ago when i was still a med student, so frightened of seeing bald children lying on their beds speaking nothing and seeing nothing. i was so scared because i knew nothing about them. i never used to find any hope in this word CANCER, and it would only bring further desolution as i tried to dig out my history of sorrow. but this month being with each and every one of them with illness, even with the dying, it brought me into light, finally as a doctor and as a human being, just like the once saddest song without words having a different ending. so, this place of unknown boundaries once again will set me free and i'll fly onto the next world of unknown. who knows where it'll take me, do wait and see.. "

man, it felt so long ago. i miss the babies and the little girls and boys there. especially the one who had his name changed by his parents after having blood cancer. and the boy with bone cancer spreaded from his back to his legs and couldn't sit up. and the lovely 14 year old tak fan who used to smile at me with such sweetness before she died (here). even the girl bold on the outside and inside who shouted at me everytime i take blood painlessly from her central catheter... only once had i thought, how much i'd wish God to grant me a trip back time. perhaps i could do everything a little better, then i wouldn't be where i am. but you know? i always thought i did my best. and i know, something must go for the better to come. i know, all is not lost. all is kept inside me.

dorothy asked me about the age-old poems i wrote in high school. she asked me why i only translate poems now and not write any myself. LAZINESS and lack of inspiration. i really need to plan a trip to somewhere nice soon. i wanna go to prague and germany, thailand india and tibet... hehe, so happy that i got asked to go to tibet together after MRCP part I. made me so happy :)

http://home.netvigator.com/~gosamer/poems.html

ok. i'm finally going to cook for myself tonight. speghetti with mushroom sauce and sweetcorn with shredded cheese on top. haagen dazs for dessert (thanks brian :) would you like to join?

(Some day, baby...)

finally worked out my new loudspeaker in the living room, only now it feels like A living room to me, with mellow round sound surrounding my head... you know i haven't listened to music for 3 weeks...

been thinking too much for a few days. but yesterday's phone call it hurt my heart and woke me up. as people always say, a bad thing will bring on a good one. i hope that's true.

成熟

童年的夢幻褪色了
不再是 衹願做一隻
長了翅膀的小精靈

有月亮的晚上
倚在窗前的
是漸呈修長的雙手
將火熱的頰貼在石欄上
在古長春籐的蔭裏
有螢火在游

不再寫流水帳似的日記了
換成了密密的
糢糊的字跡
在一頁頁深藍淺藍的淚痕裏
有著誰都不知道的語句

(walk on by....)

Me

I like taking off, like leaving
Like having a new dream through my life
Far away through the waters, traversing as I like
Not bothered by the direction of the stars

I like to stay, like longevity
Like to plant thousands of trees in an orchard
Quietly waiting for winter lightning, summer rains
Spring beauty and autumn fruits
Just like to have life's innocent hopes
Just a sort of comfort with slow growth

I like the colour slowly washed out by the ages
Like the song that was never sung out by anybody

I like to write a long poem in the night
And then at this cool breezy morning,
Reading each line one by one
Slowly crossing out,
Every word associated with

You

(remember this cute girl called cilla in my album from tai o? love that smile)

after a hot morning out in yuen long, i tidied up and sharon and brian came to visit my new place this afternoon. made my day, finally have some connections with my past life, it was so good to see them here. i felt like hugging sharon :) we watched 'hable con ella' savouring viennetta vanilla ice-cream, but brian fell asleep, being post-call and with such a long winded film, i don't blame him. but they are too sweet together, making me so envious. you know what i mean.

book fair with dorothy was so enjoyable. i mean that hour when we were squashed like sardines pushing our way through the queue into the book fair. yes, it took us one hour. on our way, we talked about our favourite films and music. and it sounded like we had nothing in common! but that's another subject for further discussion... i ended up just spending my money on one booth. bought i think 7 books, all on one subject (guess what would that be?). and holga camera was all sold out from the page-one booth, da*n it!!! guess i'll have to visit so-ho with her one time and trash that place in hung hom to look for this plastic camera called holga (but if you ask me, i'll have to also go to TST and look for my future horizon 202!!)

yesterday, i received a call while in hospital and left me in shock and wonder. it was from an unknown person who said she was a relative of my old patient from queen mary. i don't know how on earth she found me in this foreign hospital, but she told me janice's condition deteriorated over the past few weeks and she asked me for opinion (?) . i mean i have left queen mary already and had learned nothing about what'd happened. but after i put the phone down i could not be myself in the senior ward round, i kept on thinking how she is. in fact, i have been thinking about her and susanna the whole time. i miss them both. a lot. used to see them everyday saying good morning to them. now i fear one has already perished and the other is perishing...

(photos of my trip to nam sang wai/kat hing wai/kam tin uploaded to www.pbase.com/gosamer/spice)

i fainted in the hot steamy bus on the way to hk island this afternoon, how pathetic... but no wonder, i had to stand like a sardine all the way from tuen mun, and got shouted at sitting on an old lady's box of canfood while i blacked out. how mean is this world...

finally in the comfort of my sweet home in taikoo! but still a bit breathless from the blackout. thanks so much ann who came out to meet me in central and bought me a hot choco from starbucks to boost up my blood sugar level. now i gonna start hunting around my home for some 'treasures' to take back to tuen mun. guess what, though i was still feeling dizzy i couldn't help walking into hmv to grab a few stuff (got told off by letty once again when i got home after telling her about it!) guess what i found.... Akira Kurosawa's Dreams, Faure's Messe Basse, japanese movie Heaven's Bookstore and Canto-jap film Calmi Cuori Appassionnati. i was fiercely looking for the japanese movie 'through the raindrop saying i love you' though it still hasn't been released. was tempted to buy several other things too, but i guess i'll save my money for tonight's book exhib. who knows if i'll explode my visa card by buying a horizon202. my gosh, don't let me see it there!!

ooh la la.... i'm going into *town* after work today!!! taikoo shing, i'll be home this afternoon! can't wait...

been hidden in the country for 3 weeks, finally comes the time to be back to my motherland Hong Kong Island. today's agenda will be home and the book exhibition in the evening, squashing myself among the crowd of fellow bookworms with dorothy! just cannot describe my excitement.

i know, i haven't written here for a while and i know you've been waiting for me to write some exciting happenings. i'm sorry, there hasn't been any. did i write about my photo trip with doro last weekend?? yuen long, lam sang wai, kam tin, kat hing wai and sheung shui in the bright fierce sun! gosh that was a long list wasn't it? i've never been to so many places in the new territories in a day :) but the sunburn was all paid back when dorothy smiled and said she really enjoyed it :) i'll take time to sort out the photos this weekend and post some up.

otherwise, been sleeping like a beauty (yes, like) after work everyday, it's so energy consuming. the outpatients clinics were the worst, but it must have been the other night when i was on call the young lady who kept on coughing out blood constantly. i hope all the energy put into her will be paid back.

haven't been studying nor cooking nor watching tv much. but oh well i'm already the lucky crowd with 1.5 day off this weekend... so i'll make good use of it. tonight i'll be back to tuen mun after book exhib til midnight and tomorrow dash to yuen long driving school early on sunday morning.... then the rest will be a quiet and nice sunday for me and muimui.

off to work now. it's such a lovely day today... hot and sunny. hope i'll find *the* bus stop for bus 961/960 for going into hong kong island before i get sun burnt again! i know i'm pathetic, still haven't found the bus stop near my home after having been here for 23 days~

luv bets

how are you lately? haven't heard from you for ages.

it's been nearly 2 weeks since i've moved to this new foreign place called tuen mun, far away through the waters. i remember last time when i took a bus that went from central to tuen mun, i, looking back through the windows saw the familiar highrise like ifc and bank of china building moving further and further away. it was a sad feeling. seemed like i was missing something terribly big, my life. it felt like leaving my past and heading onto an unknown. it was not so ages ago, but feels like so. now i have my own hub and everyday after work it seems ritual to walk back along the river and not take the lightrail. maybe i was really in hell last year in queen mary hospital, everything here seems refreshed and new, and happy. like the people i meet here, i'm beginning to smile and be a new betty that people once knew. i think my innate nature is still a bit nostalgic and thoughtful and it's not something that's going to change quickly. like in the corridors of the hospital here on sundays, you'll still see a quiet figure in white coat traversing across the visitors in multitude of colours.

um, sounds like i'm starting to talk non-sense. i'm on long call tonight, that's why. nearly 2am now, i'd better get ready to receive the next batch of patients coming in. dorothy just called and she asked me out for dinner tomorrow! that i'd thought of for the whole week already! and my dad will be here with me installing my new tv and dvd player tomorrow afternoon when i'll be post-call off, finally can listen to my new cd in the living room! and the best news of all, i only have two patients to round tomorrow morning, from being the doctor with the most patients in my ward two weeks ago to this number, that is what i call 'hard work' :)

you know, i haven't really mentioned it before, but i'm enjoying being a new doctor so much here in this so-called 'warzone' hospital, it's unbelievable... i thank god for taking really good care of me. as for you, i think of you often and pray that everything in your world goes smooth too. if only i'm in your world, but anyway...

sleep well, thinking of you. nite
betty

By the river

Let me shake hands, and say bye-bye to you
And lightly release my hand from yours
Knowing that my soulful longing
Will start to grow from here

In the bright day of floating clouds,
Where mountains look respectful, but tender

Let me shake hands, and say bye-bye to you
And lightly release my hand from yours
This is where my youth will end
Warm tears will form rivers in my heart

I looked into your eyes, with such reluctance
By the river, there's not one flower
I could pick and give to you
So let me put my heartfelt blessings
As a badge on your coat

And tomorrow...
We will be heaven and earth apart

渡口

讓我與你握別
再輕輕抽出我的手
知道思念從此生根
浮雲白日 山川莊嚴溫柔

讓我與你握別
再輕輕抽出我的手
華年從此停頓
熱淚在心中匯成河流

是那樣萬般無奈的凝視
渡口旁找不到一朵可以相送的花
就把祝福別在襟上吧
而明日
明日又隔天涯

Non-departure

Not to meet again
Is not the same as to fall apart
Not to talk again
Does not mean I will forget

Just because
The sorrow of yours has immersed into mine
Like moonlight merging into the mountain
Whenever the night, is
Cool like cold water, it'll touch the
Pain from my old days

非別離

不再相見
並不一定等於分離
不再通音訊
並不一定等於忘記

只為　你的悲哀已揉進我的
如月色揉進山中　而每逢
夜涼如水　就會觸我舊日疼痛

Your bride

Love me, not only because
Today I’ll be your bride
Not only because of the lavender-smelling wind
Or this sun over Europe in May

Please love me, because
I’ll be your companion
In experiencing life’s happy and sad
Let’s indulge like the endless ocean
With all the waves that goes up and up again
With grey hair we’ll reflect on that island with sails

And there will be nobody who knows more of you
Than I do, and more of all your goodness

Love me, our youth is so brief

新娘

愛我　但是不要只因為
我今日是你的新娘
不要只因為這薰香的風
這五月歐洲的陽光

請愛我　因為我將與你為侶
共渡人世的滄桑
眷戀該如無邊的海洋
一次有一次起伏的浪
在白髮時重溫那起帆的島
將沒有人能記得你的一切
像我能記得的那麼多　那麼好

愛我　趁青春年少

* * *
Um, I think I'll remain mute for the time being and have a time of grief.

To take one step back

If, in my eyes
There's the summer-sweet smell of you
And in my heart, forever
Hidden a sincere poem

If that is really so
My sorrow be eternal
How bad can that be?

讓步

只要　在我眸中
曾有妳芬芳的夏日
在我心中
永藏一首真摯的詩

那麼　就這樣
憂傷以終老
也沒有什麼不好

* * *
I didn't know what to write to end this first week of new life of mine. Could only come up with translating a poem. Maybe that'd explain everything?

(walking over to the concert hall in APA...)

I've been (attempting to) getting up at 6.45am in order to get back to hospital an hour early at 8am to start doing my ward rounds. Feel so great to have an early morning and to just listen to some music in the bright light (since my place faces the East) and have a cuppa milk and a fruit tart or something, having another hand holding a swinging hairdryer and have my eyes on my computer. Sounds a bit rushed but it's not really... It only takes me 2 light rail stops, literally about one minute to get to the hospital, but of course I haven't included the waiting time on the platform. Two nights ago I had Grace (my friend from Queen Mary ICU team!!) over here with me and she fell asleep on my sofa while I got a cuppa Lassi (yes, my own version of yoghurt-honey drink) and speghetti Bolognaise ready. Funny how spontaneous it was, I dolloped all the ingredients in the pan and voila, it was done in no time. Too bad my pan isn't big enough for more people, just for two... (keeps you wondering right? I don't quite know who else apart from Grace I could cook for, maybe the new doctor that I met in the hospital, she was very excited when I asked her if she'd come here for dinner next week) and I gotta say, Grace has so many compliments for my tidy and new home, the colour code is white and pink, haha.

Well, I have deliberately missed out talking about the new work in the hospital. Will leave it for next entry, it's just so out of my expectation...

hi. here are some new photos that i've just post up, of my 25th birthday and of my new home in tuen mun. have a peek when you are free.....

talk to you soon. i'm dead tired. but you know, i found a really really nice MO today. tell you about it sometime later. makes me soooo happy....

http://www.pbase.com/gosamer/newbie
http://www.pbase.com/gosamer/mymobile

luv, bets
xx

there's so much i wanna share with you....... i have no idea where to start. only to say i've been exploded by this idea of me being a real doctor. it's too fascinating and too much to be true. but here i am.

i don't feel happy being here. haven't been sleeping well and ain't looking great in the morning... i pray to God that I'll have a upgoing learning curve and be more and more competent as time goes by. you know i'm so grateful that God has sent me some angels from heaven just to look over my worried face and gave me a hand. i know i'm smile again.

but by God's grace i'll do my best best to survive in this wild wild place and find myself again.

(thinking of you, wherever you are...)

There's a place where lovers go
To cry their troubles away
And they call it
Lonesome Town
Where the broken hearts stay

You can buy a dream or two
To last you all through the years
And the only price you pay
Is a heart full of tears

Goin' down to Lonesome Town
Where the broken hearts stay
Goin' down to Lonesome Town
To cry my troubles away

In the town of broken dreams
The streets are filled with regret
Maybe down in Lonesome Town
I can learn to forget

Maybe down in Lonesome Town
I can learn to forget

* * *
Hey it's funny the way we grow up getting to know ourselves more and more, and found out we never had a clue about ourselves until it seemed so late. I never used to say I liked art or literature or photos but I remembered the first thing I got my dad to buy me before I left for boarding school in England was a camera. Yea, it was shared with my sister Letty who wasn't living with me at that time. So needless to say I couldn't take pictures of whatever interesting I saw. I don't know why, camera was a neccesity for me but it wasn't anything very interesting. Maybe it was because England is so far away and it'd be nice to take some photos to show my parents. It took them 6 whole years to see with their own eyes the place that I live in. If it were me I won't be able to bear that curiosity that long! If I have a child I'd go there and 'check out' the whole damn place myself, making sure everything looks ok at least! Ha. You know I'm kind of too a neat person. Even my senior Oswens was so sure that I was going to check out this new hopistal before I start working there tomorrow! Too bad, I'm way too tired today after my birthday celebration last night (and of course still hungover from the on-call night on the 29th which turned out to be rather non-exciting with my swollen red eyes and my everlasting calls from my bleeping device...

Hey, I'm gonna be a real doctor from tomorrow.... wish me (and my patients) luck and love.... please.