(lovely view of the sea isn't it? from my room)

On my last on-call night in Queen Mary Hospital. On my 25th birthday. Got woken up to escort two patients to the CAT scan suite. Didn't want to get up and go downstairs at first, but I'm so glad I did. I bumped into someone whom I chatted with two months ago. Lying on a neurosurgical bed was a beautiful Caucasian lady not much older than me, with tubes and things all over her after a major surgery for subarachnoid haemorrhage. She was as graceful as could be. I had to do an electrocardiogram for her and I got talking to her to make her feel more comfortable, until it was too late into the night and I had to leave... Her impression was left in my head but then I heard she got better and soon went home.

So we saw each other again at the CT suite tonight, both of us felt we looked familiar but were too shy to ask. Then I made the move, and she smiled and said she remembered me too! We chatted for so long back in the ward when it was already 2 in the morning, until she got a phone call from her husband saying he missed her so much he's now back in the hospital to see her, at 2am! She told me he's a soulmate of his, and it reminded me of a poem I once wrote to a guy I loved, for the first birthday when we knew each other. I don't remember the exact wordings but it kind of meant how much I would love to be his soulmate. It made me cry thinking of it, it was so innocent and so sweet.

I cannot even doubt that it must be God's birthday present for me, giving me a chance to finally let go of a part of my heart, that was so special yet so tender with even touch. Like Tanya has said, I believe God has his plan for me to move out and reach out. I know that's what God wants me to do. I know the things that she says while walking out with me through the corridor to see her husband and soulmate will always refresh in my heart during my on-call nights. How in wonder I must be to know what I'll become in the not so distant future...

As I learn to open my heart to myself may I grow into a person who has more love to give to others and to myself.

bye bye, to you.

One day before my 25th birthday, here's some inspiration, I guess that's where God's grace will take me to, i'll leave it to our own (and wild!) imagination. If you may, let me come back to the center of the earth during the weekends (or you come over to the countryside Tuen Mun) to see if I'm still alive and kicking.... :) :)

Here's the venue for the birthday dinner tomorrow

8pm on 30/6/05 at Elgin Street's Alfredo's. hope i'll be off work on time, or someone will have to start the dinner first (or so you say!)

betty

Amish Macaroni Salad

(My rorom at Madam Ho Residence for Medical Students, Sassoon Road)

Serves 6
Ingredients:

2 cups uncooked elbow macaroni
3 hard-cooked eggs, chopped
1 small onion, chopped
3 stalks celery, chopped
1 small red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
2 cups creamy salad dressing (e.g. Miracle Whip)
3 tablespoons prepared yellow mustard
1/4 cup white sugar
2 1/4 teaspoons white vinegar
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon celery seed

Directions:
Bring a pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add macaroni, and cook for 8 to 10 minutes, until tender. Drain, and set aside to cool.
In a large bowl, stir together the eggs, onion, celery, red pepper, and relish. In a small bowl, stir together the salad dressing, mustard, white sugar, vinegar, salt and celery seed. Pour over the vegetables, and stir in macaroni until well blended. Cover and chill for at least 1 hour before serving.

* * *
it's gonna be great :)

(love those flowers and the smile)

Countdown

I've been hoping too much. Every day, I have been hoping and praying, for a dream to come true.

It's already the 27th June, still I've heard nothing, no thing from you. Even my room in the nurses' quarter has been emptied now, I had it all decorated nicely in the hope that you'd come and have a chat.

Sounds strange, I thought I'd never forget, and in fact I haven't all along. But there's been too many things keeping me mind busy. I thought I was happy and 'engaged' for a few weeks, and it suddenly felt like I have put something 'important' at the furthermost back of my mind. But I know you're still there in my heart. Coz the so-called 'happiness' was merely nothing but a dream out of the blue and purple and orange sea (which is as unreal as it sounds!), tell me about men......

To have hope doesn't mean that I'll show/tell anyone about it. To be honest, I got a feeling I won't ever. Hard to trust another again after being hurt this much. But I'm still here, this little girl....

(lonely....)

Tis a clear night, no sign of raining. But it's raining now, in my heart.

Midnight has nearly come. tonight it's been busy in the hospital, me walking around the wards in circles and circles, attending patients with different problems. At last, I walked into the ward A3 where a patient has just died. I was still talking to him 2 hours ago, and then by 10 o'clock, 2 hours later, I certified him dead. This was only half an hour ago, and I don't know what, something drew me back to the ward....

It felt weird walking into the ward, and I realised why. All the patients' curtains by the corridor have been drawn. A deliberate act by the kind nurses who don't want the patients to see the temporary coffin (which in reality, is only a stern grey metal case) being wheeled out to the mortuary. By the dim beside lights those white curtains made a spooky corridor with flowing 'walls'. Too dreamy for me, it's been such a hectic night...

But deep in my mind, there come your footsteps, again. To be honest, I don't regret anything at all. Do you?

Beautiful South- Blackbird on the wire

Eyes to take you dancing
mouth to leave your wife
Legs to run away with
and you wonder why?
Heart that makes you bypass
every other girl
Smile that keeps you grinning
at the madness of this world

But like the blackbird on the wire
I will not take the prey on you
You wouldn't want me to
For I am too soft for such a thing

And like the blackbird on the wire
I just watch you by
The tears I knew I'd cry
Fall unnoticed down below
Front to make you happy
back to make you weep
Lips to keep you kissing
whilst everyone's asleep

Tears to break a backbone
laughs to win a war
And people come and ask me
what I love you for
But like the blackbird on the wire
I will not take the prey on you
You wouldn't want me to
For I am too soft for such a thing

And like the blackbird on the wire
I just watch you by
The tears I knew I'd cry
Fall unnoticed down below
And with a tongue built from quicksilver
and a character of steel
They actually come and ask me
How I feel

But like the blackbird on the wire
I will not take the prey on you
You wouldn't want me to
For I am too soft for such a thing
And like the blackbird on the wire
I just watch you by
The tears I knew I'd cry
Fall unnoticed down below

* * *
kinda got thinking of this song tonight, would you know why?

Got chatting to a classmate at lunch in the hospital one day, and he told me we used to sing in the same choir for 2 years in APA when we were both 10 years old! If you don't know what APA is, it stands for HK's Academy for Performing Arts, which is the only 'music conservatory' here. Lovely place with concert halls, theatres, loads of nice pianos to play... Curious how he knew about our 'childhood encounter', he told me we once had a conversation 5 years ago when I was still in year 1! Strange, I have absolutely no recollection of it. But many memories blossomed from here. I went on to ask him if he'd remembered singing Purcell's Noah's Ark and Faure's Messe Basse, though he had no recollection of them either... maybe he'd just forgotten the name

I have always wanted to have Faure's Messe Basse sung in both my wedding (if i do get married one day!) and my funeral. If you've heard this song (Kyrie, Sanctus, Benedictus and Agnus Dei) perhaps you can try to feel what my childhood was like. Sorry this probably sounds too unimaginable... Picture a little girl with short hair like the cartoon character 'siu yuen chi' who played badminton every afternoon with classmates (Kennis you were there, right? :), likes going to ballet dancing and went to Wan Chai to spend each Saturday afternoon in APA, playing hide and seek in the secret corridors of APA during our break. These corridors darkened with purple and green lights, leading to the unauthorised theatres of drama, theatrical costumes and broadcasting sets.... It brought up much memories of those days coz last week I went to APA for a French chamber music concert. It felt so nice to walk on those purple and green (is there coincidence with these colours) carpets. Reminded me of wearing my concert dress with a long satin skirt that drags along the carpet...

Nigeria

http://www.savannahsays.com/kizombe.htm

Please read this in a spare moment. This is recklessly ridiculous! I have been receiving nigerian scams ever since I started my hotmail account in 1996. Although it's been interesting to read at the beginning, their invariable nature made them less and less fascinating, by far this is the best.

It brought up such an issue, because, a few weeks ago I received a similar email from one of my best friends from Sherborne who's an African girl, concerning her father's own land in which they need to sell in order to have some real cash. She didn't ask my parents to have it, but she asked if I could find somebody to buy it.

I've been troubled by it coz she's always been a trusting friend of mine, and I just cannot work out the creditability of her email. Didn't know how to write back either. But honestly, how could I find someone with so much money who can afford to send it all to Africa for a land they have no immediate need. Well, deep in the dark I still pray for my friend Z and I hope everything is fine, for since I have known her I knew there's been some financial difficulty. Though I cannot be of any help, I pray for her often...

guess who deserves the greatest love on earth, it's my parents. guess who has the greatest smiles on earth, it's my parents. it's by their boundless love that i can grow to the person that i am now.

it's almost a universal fact, once you lose something, you get something better in return, however long it seems to take. for me, i thought i lost something terribly substantial, something that pulled my heart away far and beyond my limited imagination. well, although it shouldn't have taken such a stake to realise something that important, something you have taken for granted ever since you've known the world. but sadly for us worldly souls, it does! i remembered how much love i put into my last relationship. at the end of the first breakup, i asked him, 'do you know how much i loved you?' and the answer was 'yeah, at the time when i had an operation and had to stay in hospital. it felt hell then but you helped me out of it. i felt important.' i was so dumb shocked on hearing it. 'don't you know, you were important all the time?!' to me, my love had not been any less throughout the years. it's all along been just as much. i'd almost say it's ridiculous how only that week in hospital made you appreciate me, when i've been nice to you for many years. it made my tears burn my cheeks thinking of how wasted all my love was.

funny how ironic this world is, reminds me of alanis morissette's song 'isn't it ironic'...

but for people who really love you and who has a commitment to you, they'll appreciate all the minute things that you do, and they'll know how to show that they enjoy it. after my month of sorting out my new home in tuen mun, i began to understand more about my parents, something more than how much i've learned in the past 24 years. those things i don't even need to write on paper, my heart just feels overflowed. not only have they created me, they have been working in the background, silently, to shape me into a girl who become so like them. thank god. my dad has a really sweet smile and he loves radiating his energy onto all those around him, even if it's just the security guard or the postman. to his siblings he's always the glow of the family, loved by all big and small. and my mother, she is so good at working secretly in motion, doing things for other people and not asking for return. when i reflect on myself how i am like as a person, i ponder how much goodness and how much badness there is...

though they've been abroad for so many times, only this time do i feel so attached to them and i miss them so much. maybe it's because i'll be moving to a new place living on my own in a week's time. i pray that their trip to france will be a smooth one and that they will pass through those places that i've learned in my old french lessons with gratefulness. may their days be filled with the same joy of learning that overwhelmed my own fascination in my school days. Carcasonne, Arles, Aix-de-Provence, Mont St. Michel, Mont Blanc, Chamonix...... it makes me ponder more on being a parent myself...... what do you think

night night and miss you both, betty

i remembered, those things must have happened. i must've been happy for sometime. though now it can never be touched or felt again. feels so strange. i can still picture your smile in front of me. i don't believe that doesn't happen anymore. but it hasn't happened for almost 3 months.

* * *
the 40 year old lady from my ward, denise, with stomach cancer, is now dying. her dying progress has sped up so much in the past 2 days, so much that i fear i won't see her again after i go back to hospital for work again on monday. it's just 2 days away from the hospital. i was always worrying about how fast my 'holiday in tuen mun' will pass by in the blink of an eye, and now, i wish it goes slower, and slower, so denise will live. but if my conscience comes back, i'd rather she dies earlier and peacefully. the suffering has been for too long. i remember her putting up her fingers in a V sign to congratulate on me doing a successful pleural fluid tapping for her, releasing murky water from her lungs and helping her breathe again. she was always so strong and always smiling the moment i walked into the ward. i loved talking about how i took the holga and pinhole photos with her, janice and susanna. it felt so real and i felt i was doing something really good to my patients. but god has his plan for us. if we are meant to leave he'll send angels to bring us somewhere else. maybe that's the same with marshall. though i know i'm not like typical others who get over things quickly, i'm getting the hang of this concept of 'life'. maybe i have just started to grow up.

* * *
now sitting in my new place in tuen mun, maybe i do need some big changes like this to keep me moving and in balance. but then i can feel my heart changing... i'm sure you know what i mean when you looked into my eyes...

i've been translating poems this past year. you might have read some from my pbase page or from my other blogger page Minamina. yea, i love the challenge, and the beauty of it all. i've always thought the chinese poetic language is so elegent and timid, and have never thought english could come any close to it. though being a not-so bilingual speaker, i thought i should give a try to transform such a beautiful language into english.

perhaps it's not as fun reading it as writing it, but there might be someone who'd appreciate or even enjoy it, don't you think so? a few days ago i found a book called 'across the darkness of the river' in amazon.com. exactemente! although i've been looking for other translated poems of Xi Mu-rong online, they haven't exactly got the 'gist' of Xi's poetic character in the english language. though to be frank, i don't think i've reached that level myself either. can't criticise others if you are of the same type.

i've at last ordered the book from paddyfields this afternoon in the library. it's so funny. the front cover of 'across the darkness of the river' is a portrait of Xi Mu-rong. after reading many of her poems, i had imagined a face in my mind: a tall, slender woman with long hair, like the girl she drew in one of her poem books. well, this portrait of Xi Mu-rong is in fact a chubby lady with big eyes and BIG (i mean *big) and round plastic glasses. um, i'd say it was *nothing* like how i imagined.

sometimes, i wondered how people will think of me after reading my prose/poems and my photos. i guess i'm *also* nothing like how you imagine it...... a skinny girl with long straight/boring black hair. doesn't that sound a bit like the Xi Mu-rong that i imagined?

Maybe I'll write something happy today... despite all whatnots. Yea, these days work's been hell and I only managed to pass through the days thinking of how I'm going to decorate my new home in Tuen Mun... So yesterday I came across something terribly excting. Guess what, I finally found a publisher for my photos and poems!!! I talked to a few friends about it and they are really supportive. Since this place works in a print-on-demand basis, I don't worry about nobody buying my book! At least I'll buy one myself ;)

I'm definitely going to have a go at publishing my first ever printed photographic journal :) Do you think it's possible!? I dunno yet. But who cares!? It keeps me dreaming, and smiling......

Chose this photo for today, the home of my best friend Tess, this house called Holcombe Burnell Barton of Exeter, coz today it feels the same for me. It was a May day, first arriving in England after my final MBBS exam, confused about everything future. Greeted by a bout of heavy rain of Devon, I sat down in wet clothes and took this photo. Maybe you can't tell, all the flowers were wet, and so were the bricks and grass, making everything look dark and contrasting and damp. It doesn't feel good getting out stepping onto wet grass and all, but the sun came out suddenly in an attempt to dry it. And out of a sudden, it didn't feel as bad anymore. It reminded me of this photo because last night, it rained and rained and I was on call on a lonely Saturday again, when the corridors of the hospital were almost empty and you walked on only listening to your own footsteps. But God was nice, He gave me a few hours' of sleep and I was able to wake up at 5.30am to attend a few sick patients afresh. Now, all laid back looking out my window it looked like it's been bashed by the rain last night, but the sun is working hard to keep everybody happi'er'. Well, that's what I'm doing today. Although the rain made me a bit disappointed, but I know, "After the rain comes sun".... (oh, don't remind me of the next line in this lyric.....)

Oh finally......got my new job ready to go, got my new home ready to live (i'm so grateful for my parents who helped me out with everything and anything. i could see a few more wrinkles on their cheeks... ) Well, everything is now taking shape, got all the new furniture except my bed and tv) It's really God's grace that everything went smoothly, and now, it's me that needs to start getting ready... Last week, I had a talk with the so-called 'most difficult son on earth' in the hospital, I dunno why, I didn't think for a second and 'threw' away this title of his, and started telling him his mother's condition from beginning till end. It took ages because I remembered this lady came in twice, as her stomach perforated and dirty juices flowed into her belly and made her condition very serious, together with her frail heart that beated irregularly twice and causing much fear to us. Her family were dead anxious about her. I thought this son must be so worried and so I tried my best to explain to him everything that we did. It cost me much cough... but in the end I asked him if he had any questions, he said,"Doctor, you have given me a *very comprehensive explanation. There's nothing else I want to ask now." Only after hearing this did I remember how the nurses had called him 'the most difficult son on earth', because I have conquered this title... It was so satisfying, and the coughs have been paid back by gratitude :) I guess for a doctor, the best reward must be trust and gratitude. I guess as a lover too, I hope in the future :) :)

(Photo: The Chaplins' home in Jersey)