i'm a little nostalgic today. afterall, it's the 31st december 2005. and this gonna be rather long coz i am bad at selecting the correct words and short sentences.

i started my day walking to hospital at midnight chatting in the mild wind about everything and anything. it was our pasts that were so interesting! i never knew i would remember the feelings of how i played the bassoon in the orchestra or played the piano concerto in the abbey wearing that boring black skirt, or when i had my first crush at high school! and i would never never imagine having dinner at a home in tin shui wai either. it will be a big dream in my heart..

then had a tremendous night shift with 2 of my friends and then came home to sleep until now. 3.30pm! felt like the whole day has gone. i just cannot say how grateful i was yesterday, he acted as my big brother and switched his night duty to a consecutive one yesterday. he started managing my more urgent cases, looking tired with red eyes, but was definitely the star of the night. it turned out yesterday our hospital had the greatest admission number (it was already a headline in the newspaper during christmas), with many (I mean MANY!) patients requiring resuscitation. even with us working hard, the waiting hours was a grand number of FOUR. as i was busying with my cases, a tired figure flew past me and whispered, "it is such a good day! so good that i am here..." yes, indeed it was. you were angelic.

back to what i said about nostagia. i was startled on waking this afternoon realising it's 2006 tomorrow. looking back on 2005, i realised, there's been no glimpse of marshall since the beginning of 2005! i had only dragged a heavy and unreal imagination of 2000-2004 onto 2005! what a stupid thing! and like marshall who'd already said some years ago, "you are too immersed in your unhappiness", it was so bad yet so true.

it doesn't happen anymore though!! so much has happened since i moved to tuen mun!!! three months of emergency department did do some little but significant miracles! i'm sorry i didn't manage to expliquer in more details in my previous posts (with so much going on, with my exams coming up), but let me say, it is enough inspirations to start writing poetry and music again. enough figures to start shooting atmospheric photos again, enough love to make me feel good like when i was 17 again. (ahah! i know i'm now 25!) such is youth.

is that love? but that is not a question to ask.

as i said in my email, it's not about finding the perfect person for you... it's not about finding someone who will pamper you and someone who looks just so good standing next to you, but it's about finding your true self. and happy to say, i have caught a glimpse of my true self, only wanting to spend the next 60 years in improving and enjoying it. and you rightly knows why....

i'm happy.

(mimi took this, i didn't!)

did i say what I got for christmas this year? not a lot, but very special ones....
i received a box of goodies from mimi, including the cotton beige scarf i told you about that i liked the look on her neck (and didn't know she bought the same one for me already!) and many many body shop sweet smelling items....

and on silent night the postman delivered a brown parcel by speedmail from paris. on top someone wrote my name and address neatly. i opened it. it was two infrared photos. one's glossy and one was printed on a beige coloured card. they were silently beautiful, so were the words in the short note. gave me some mixed feelings, of having been pampered...

and my 3rd christmas present was a sunflower glass bottle holding the precious, also beige. and there was also a rose photo frame... for the gleeful.

so these are the present i received for christmas this year. what were yours?

Do you guys believe in guardian angels?
I think I found one this Christmas :)

Just like how Grace found her 2nd Godmother and Godfather (and maybe a boyfriend too!) this Christmas. I'm so happy for her. I do actually treat her 'Godparents' like mine too, they are so nice! We're going to Lang Lang's piano recital in Hong Kong together next month! Can't wait till exams are over. It's killing me!

Do you believe in soulmates? I remember putting this word in a birthday poem some 5 years ago, but in the end I gave up looking for one coz God forbid, since then I worked out that it was not meant to be. But God plays smart games. The moment I stopped looking back (yes, and it took me a whole year to start doing that) then God started sending angels from heaven to me during Christmas. Maybe a few, maybe across a few oceans, I do admit! Also pretty and good looking ones too! Haha, you know who these are... Um. Now I don't know whether I should call you my guardian angel, my soulmate, my welfare representative, my medical brainteaser, or my gardener (!!), but whatever... I think I'll call you my best friend. That's how I want to call myself if/when I have a daughter...

(on our way to airport)

boxing day today. mimi left me a wrapped box before she left, i took it out tonight and opened it cautiously. my lips formed a smile as i saw the familiar cream colour fabric... mimi had bought me the same scarf that she bought for herself from esprit. the same one that i had to take a photo of at the airport as i told her how much i liked it. i held it up, it was infused with the smell that i was so used to years ago, body shop's oceanus. she had bought me the soap... and there were several special items inside the box...

hard to believe, it was just last week when she was here with me.

tonight, it's silent night.
i felt i lost my innocence.
left with emptiness, and
a tear trail

* * *
tomorrow, is Christmas day
i wonder, will i smile again?

(the sea outside tuen mun)

so, one month has passed by. several things have happened. tears and laughter. i'm very tired today. just want to quiet down and start tomorrow afresh. but i cannot forget any moment that i experienced. it didn't seem real. i had a very bad cramp, i touched my calf and it was so stiff and tender, the first time to have such a severe cramp. but you looked so anxious, it was a funny scene.

thanks for being my friend. i can honestly call you now, my soulmate. thanks for everything.

night,
betty

Tonight it's a quiet night and mimi asked why I didn't get any phone calls... I smile, since I know it's within my heart...

Here's something I read again tonight, having had German Christmas tea with mimi and some madeleine cakes and lighting an Advent candle... I hope one day, maybe 10 years later or 15 years later, I can look back on this story of mine when I was 25 and understand how the pain has shaped us.

It's a chapter from one of my favourite book, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

* * *
Pain

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

(bought these at the market for my sunny windowsill. i'll water it every day and one day, i'll...)

Been a few days since I wrote. I dunno how to rationalise all that's happened, simply too breathtaking and surreal. I know life still goes on on earth just like how it spins around its axis. And everyone around me will just do their own daily thing, like in the Emergency department. And so will I. But I won't look at the sky in the same way as I did before, as I knew the inner reality is now within me. I'll remember your promise.

I have a poem for you today.

i feel like a little princess in pink
i feel like a colourful little bird with sparkly eyes
i feel like i'm precious, and loved
i feel like singing melodies on the streets
i feel like attempting to decipher
and to explore the aching beauty in this world
and to keep my love and... innocence.

i hope i don't feel like it just this moment
i hope it'll last forever

yours,
betty

mimi arrived two days ago bringing sunshine from bali to warm me up in the cold wind... we trodded through hong kong yesterday... and today, it was so good............(yes, it really was....) .... maybe i'll say a little more next time round. i think i'm too happy to sleep tonight (again...)

these are the roses that we chose for my mum at the flower market... i'd really like a bunch for myself too, but i stopped myself coz mum should be first. well, i really like roses. maybe next time......... (i mean, i'll travel to flower market and just to get myself a bunch of roses to make me happy. will you come with me?)

good night,
betty

The meaning of two seashells

Grandma used to say to me, whenever you put the bottom of a seashell next to you ear, you'll always be able to hear the sound of the sea. So, whenever I see a seashell on display in a shop, I'd put it next to my ear and listen for it... it never failed me, and I know my sense of wonder will never be lost.

When I visited the Chaktuchak market in Bangkok last month, I found a shop selling all sorts of seashells... shiny pearly ones with all sorts of colours. Out of the blue, I found two very special ones, same species in pink colour, one larger, one smaller....

From then on, I always have a scenery in my heart... that the person who listens through the other seashell will be connected to me by the sound of the sea....

i hate it when a good person doesn't get good return
i hate it when i feel fragile standing in the cold wind
i hate it when reality hits me like a fierce slap onto my face
i hate it when i am always the figure in a sad story
i hate it when my dream is shattered into pieces of broken glass in 5 seconds
why am i always the most sensitive?
why am i the most foolish out of all my friends?

can you numb me, god?
can you numb all and each of my senses?
so i can be as cold as the survivors?
or maybe that's my purpose, or fate,
like a candle, lighting the darkness around her,
but her wax gets burned, dripping onto the cold floor
like smoke vanishing into the thin air...
disappeared, into nothingness...

wake up betty, you're incredibly stupid...!
ok, i'm gonna dry my tears and go to bed.

(drifting from north point to hung hom)

Are my tears salty for preservation?
To save them for a rainy day?
As the sky opens up
I know that rainy day is here.

Crystal droplets start to hail down
The cold rain converges with my warm tears
And they become one, unrecognizable

* * *
Tonight, i'm in the garden in the rain.....
Ce soir, je suis dans le jardin sous la pluie.....

feeling stupid

(um, hope madeleine's satisfied with my outfit for her wedding...)

i just thought of the poem "mountain lily" again.... (excerpt from my entry in july)

The mountain lily

Standing still, blossoming in silence
This fragrant mountain lily
Silently blooming inside my heart

Nobody knows of its existence
Or its whiteness or purity
Only my traveler who drifts from town to town
In her solitary journey, will
Smile and often think of it

山百合

與人無爭　靜靜地開放
一朵芬芳的山百合
靜靜地開放在我的心裏

沒有人知道它的存在
它的潔白
只有我的流浪者
在孤獨的路途上
時時微笑地想起它來

* * *
my chinese name, hing ling, was taken by my grandfather who was a chinese teacher, from an old saying "ling hing yee" in a chinese tresaurus and it means "such a happy and lively child". and as I was called hing ling, my sister was called hing yee. "hing ling" in chinese means fragrance, and tranquility. do you think my grandfather had insight about my innate personality in giving me my chinese name? i reckon it must be that. only now did i realise i am the blossoming flower that i have read many times in my book...

it's madeleine's wedding on saturday... thank god it's warming up. there's only one decent outfit i have in tuen mun for a wedding, and it's a summer dress! if it's freezing like yesterday, then i'll look so stupid shivering...

well, it's a white satin long skirt, smooth silky with 'ripples' at the bottom. it's very simple, that suits me. i bought it with ingrid 9 years ago when we were 16 in times square! and i only wore it once at home because i didn't want to embarrass myself with my non-existing figure, you know what i mean. oh well, now that i'm 25, and there are things that should be done now than never, and though my height's grown but not my waist (!) so i might as well try it on and enjoy it. but deep in my mind i hope it'll be a dark and dim evening and nobody will notice me...

(i spotted a rose in rodin's garden, and the eiffel tower was looking. paris 2002)

i just thought of a poem that i wrote many years ago in 1998. it might have been the first poem that i wrote. tonight, i remembered this poem and felt something uneasy...

* * *
Shy Love

Ever wonder
What it feels like
Restraining gushes of a waterfall?

That kind of melancholy
So delirious
Ever so intolerable
Like holding words so desparately from your lover

Eyes met
Lips sealed
Let the friendly embrace bear with the shy love
In our hearts

(Eze, such blueness)

Look, God sent me an email this morning...

* * *

Title: Benefits of Difficult Days

When we go through tough times, we often wonder, Lord, why did you allow this to happen to me? Then six months or two years down the road, a close friend or family member experiences the same difficulty; and we get to encourage them because we've been there, we've seen the Lord carry us through.

What Does God Say? "

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:4-7 , NLT).

from bible minute devotional emails http://www.bibleminute.org/

* * *
ok, here i go into retreat and get some real work done, pm duty tonight. i'll come back when i've done something good and solid.

love,
betty

* * *

So the comment I had in the previous post wasn't so anonymous at all! I know who you are silly! Thanks for loving me, especially in the times of need, like now... though hope your bf isn't too jealous about it... :)

(In the velvety night, I hid inside my blanket, felt torn...)

This was indeed a big whirlwind and 2 days passed in a blink of an eye... A lot happened, I mean for me, and for my heart. Winter arrived with such a cold blast, and with me so deficient of adipose tissue... I guess I'll be a good girl and stay at home revising for exam until Mimi comes next week.

So I passed my driving test swiftly this morning. I could hardly believe it. The pencil sketch of me in a car was indeed a good luck charm, as I had a look at it before I left home... Trembling in the coldest winds (unbelievable 8 degress in the north of hong kong) I thought I wouldn't be able to hold the wheel tight with my hardened/frozen fingers. But before I started to panic I made a prayer and sang a little hymn, and was calmed down. For the time that was ahead, I didn't think much, just hoping I'd do the best so I won't let those who love me down... surprisingly, I enjoyed the smooth ride and it came to an end too soon.

(year 4, SARS times. visit to the children's heart hospital in aberdeen)

Whenever I'm sad, I'll walk to walk and spend all my sadness into energy. Along the quiet cycling path, I sing this song and lift up all my worries to the Lord. Here I translate this favourite hymn into English. Hope you like the lyrics:

This i lift up to you, my Father in heaven
My health, my wisdom, my love.
I only want to please you, and follow your will.
God, please have mercy on my church

This i lift up to you, my Lord Jesus Christ
All the happiness and hurtfulness in my life
My Holy Father, please accept them
My honest and whole sacrifice

* * *
I long to have a soulmate whom I can pray to God with. That will be the greatest blessing of my life......

hello!
i'm thinking of you....
do you think of me too, sometimes?

(the latest photo of me)

i don't really know how to smile in front of a camera. but when i'm in front of my cherished friends, then you sure know how i smile, don't you? i just won't stop laughing or making you laugh...

So looking forward to go back to hong kong island next week and bring Mimi to see you, Sharon! you two surgeons (one neurosurgeon and one obstetrician) better not make me tooooo out of the surgeons' conversation!

christmas tree on my coffee table yesterday

my biological clock has been tilted upside down these days, thanks to the many night duties that i had. having been injected with adrenaline by my patients and reluctantly stay up until after 2am (or, maybe it's due to some other psychological matter!)...

last night after work i bumped into someone again. this time it was my turn to buy a drink... he suddenly stopped in the corridor and said he had something for me. from his bag he pulled out a sheet of paper, he said it was a good luck present for my driving test. i opened it... and it was a delicate pencil drawing of me sitting gleefully in a car. i was overwhelmed, not knowing what to say..... but i couldn't hide my smile. at the light rail station we bumped into thomas and ah hing..

it was a beautiful drawing (much more prettier than i am, she has lovely eyes and lips).

just taking a little break with nat king cole...

had a great time at peak yesterday with mercedes and had a few thoughts, since i last wrote about the my email devotional on "music of the storm"...
just like with mercedes, i hadn't enjoyed my med school days as it just felt wrong being there then. remembering how odd it was for me to blend in with both the jupas crowd and with the non-jupas crowd (ok, i know i don't seem to belong anywhere!), the competitiveness of people around me, and just the academic craziness! though now reflecting on those days, i thank God so much for giving me the opportunity. it's overwhelming to look back after years to only realise how God has directed me to where i am now. so, to kandice, do cherish your time in med school. it'll be such a joy to reflect on your days...

after my story about "music in the storm", mercedes too, heard a similar story in a sermon at church. it startled us how God uses a big storm to break us down totally in order to shape us into someone new, how he wants us to be... merce always reminds me everytime i see her, "don't be scared of being yourself", and i believe there are qualities that i have that God sees as good... well sometimes.

and we were talking about guys... i said to merce, you know caucasian guys are like... oh wait, many hong kong boys are too, they can say the most alluring things to girls, but they don't really mean much! and then i discovered that it's nothing to do with culture, or geographical location, whether you are canadian, british or chinese, it is the Christian way of living that i look for. though sad to say, there aren't many guys that i know! who live in the Christian way these days. but i know, i should start off with myself first...

The first candle of Advent

This is the first candle I light for Christmas this year. Thanks to the Christmas tree that Letty bought for me, my place is getting ready for Christmas. And I'm to prepare my soul and long for real happiness.

When I was all settled back at home after a day out, I started playing John Rutter's Christmas carols CD in the living room and decorated my new Christmas tree. Then it was time to light my candle and say a prayer...