so you did say you wanted to see my new hairstyle. voila. i haven't gelled it or put any makeup on, but i guess my real face will do :) i looked so happy today coz i went home to visit my parents just before i leave for my bangkok holiday.... you know living alone isn't all that great, especially when...

i went into shu uemura shop today and the lady said i have 'honey' coloured skin. what a compliment, needless to say i had to buy something from her :) last time i went into biotherm's shop with sharon that guy said to her, "you have white skin whereas your friend has much 'blacker' (!) skin..." i'd rather that bloke speak in english and use the word "tanned", don't you think??

(walking that long path outside my home in taikoo shing tonight, i just had to stop over and take this photo, dunno why.... oh i know... god, i miss ninja's)

one night last week, just before i closed my eyes in bed, i saw a large blurry shining object floating in the sky far away. it was sparkling so much i couldn't figure out what it was without my glasses. a plane that didn't move at all? a star? i grabbed my glasses for a better look. and there it was, a bright and sparkling star before my eyes! my town tuen mun was clothed by a huge canopy of stars that night (as later i found out, it always is!). it was a bliss. i went into the living room to grab my telescope, and totally immersed in the joy of being part of this galaxy, the star was so unreal to be true, and at that instant, my melancholy vanished.

(caught in awe at Musee Rodin, Paris, 2002)

on a purple star-studded night at the end of october 2005, i remembered...

one day a year ago, in november 2004, a boy called me up and said hi. we found ourselves sitting in a cafe in happy valley on a cool autumn late afternoon. sipping coffee, he told me the reason why he called me after ignoring my presence for a whole year... he said he went into the kubrick bookstore one day and a name caught his sight. (it was Xi Mu-rong, 席慕容. she's my favourite poet) seeing her name reminded him of me. curious (as if he never knew the love that i had embraced for all that time), he flicked open the poetry book and there it wrote,

『在年輕的時候，如果你愛上了一個人，請你，請你一定 要溫柔地對待他，不管你們相愛的時間有多長或多短，若你們能始終溫柔地相待，那麼，所有的時刻都將是一種無瑕的美麗，若不得不分離，也要好好地說聲再見，也要在心裡存著感激，感謝他給了你一份記憶，長大了以後，你才會知道，在驀然回首的剎那，沒有怨恨的青春才會了無遺憾...』

"When you're young, if you fall in love with someone, please, if you will, treat her gently, no matter how long or short in love you were, if you could treat each other gently, then, every single moment would be beautiful. even if it's time to part, you should say bye bye kindly, and remind yourself of such appreciation, thanking her for giving you a piece of memory. as, when you finally have grown up, you'll only realise, then, at the moment of turning your head back, the youth without hatred is without regrets..."

as we walked out of the tiny cafe, it started drizzling with nostalgia and he embraced me tightly, saying sorry for the first time....

* * *
much regrettably to have remembered it, it seemed it was the last time too.

* * *

鳶尾花

　　——請保持靜默，永遠不要再回答我

　　終究必須离去　這柔媚清朗
　　有著微微濕潤的風的春日
　　這周遭光亮細致并且不厭其煩地
　　呈現著所有生命過程的世界

　　即使是把微小的歡悅努力擴大
　　把凝神品味著的
　　平靜的幸福盡量延長

　　那從起點到終點之間
　　如謎一般的距离依舊無法丈量
　　（這無垠的孤獨啊　這必須的擔負）
　　所有的記憶离我并不很遠
　　就在我們曾經同行過的苔痕映照靜寂的林間
　　可是　有一种不能确知的心情即使是
　　尋找到了适當的字句也逐漸無法再駕御

　　到了最后　我之于你
　　一如深紫色的鳶尾花之于這個春季
　　終究仍要互相背棄

　　（而此刻這耽美于极度的時光啊　終成絕響）

　　　　　——一九八九·五·七

2 more night shifts at the crazy emergency dept, and i'll be leaving my 'baggage' and fly to bangkok.... this time, my heart feels blank. but i know the foreign and nostalgic city will give me inspirations for my coming footsteps...

remembering my last trip to london, one filled with much emotions but without any regrets, i'd like to share with you something deep in my heart. look at me, i was smiling......

http://www.pbase.com/gosamer/england

walking back to my place with a guy by the river in the quiet autumn midnight after night duty in the hospital, talking away about everything and anything...
sounds nice doesn't it?
yea, i enjoyed that

(and there's always another paradoxical sentence which ends the paragraph...boo...)

(Eze, 2001)

hello sandra, how are you?
thanks for reading my happenings and leaving your notes. i'm always so happy to get them. why don't you allow me to leave notes on yours?

i got my hair chopped off yesterday, can you believe it? i couldn't believe my eyes either when i saw her starting to cut my hair leaving 2 (yes... TWO) inches of hair on my scalp. yikes!! i squeaked and told her i wanted to leave enough hair on my head to tie my hair up for work, but no, it's not going to happen now... do you wanna know how i look like now. i don't think you do!

but my friend grace had a look at my 'new look' and gave me a massive compliment, 3 times :) she says i looked radiant today :) i guess that's to say my old hairstyle was way too boring, and now i've grown up to be more daring...

(ok, it's not that bad really, but i myself aren't used to it quite as yet)

* * *
i had my 3rd driving lesson this afternoon and we went out into the 'real roads' outside the driving school for the 1st time, i was so excited but scared! thought i was just going to drive around the factories near the driving school, but we ended up in the highways of tin shui wai, my dear... speeding up til it was 70km/h/. well, after this exercise, i'd say i've finally got the hang of driving. oh well, i'm not planning to buy a car, don't have the slightest idea why i'm learning it...

* * *
winter arrived hong kong in less than 2 days time. and i don't know what i should blame, weather or the coughing children at the hospital, i got my 2nd episode of flu since starting to work in emergency department. and this time, real bad. too much sneezing (10 times in half a minute) and runny nose and itchy throat. lucky no coughing this time. hope i'll get better soon and let me be distracted by my work and revision. you know, winter makes me terribly nostalgic and lonely... i hate that feeling.

it's late now, hope you've had a good day. talk soon,
betty

i was so used to say things conservatively, hence this afternoon i walked into a hairdresser and tried to say something different and less observant. i said i wanted my hair cut short. well, i didn't mean short like that but it turned out she chopped some 5 inch of hair off my shoulders... .... well, that makes a change, i had always kept long hair since year 1...

i look so different now, i don't know if i really like it. but when you're the only person who's concerned about your hair, then it doesn't matter...

i have so much to say to you...
but i know i'll only have good rewards after i've worked hard
wait for me
till then,

betty

(You know, my dream is to visit Tacoma... do you know what's there?)


The day in emergency dept passed ever so slowly today... but it wasn't too bad really. it does give me some job satisfaction, *sometimes*....

i walked to "New Crowd" market after work to get the ingredients for my supper... here in tuen mun it's so different to the environment that i was grown up in. the market here is like one of those traditional old fashioned chinese markets, with wet floors, meat hung up in the air, vegetables piled right out into the corridor... lots of herbs, lots of smelly things... walking there is another exciting experience: street hawkers, grannies, weird stuff like salted fish, pickles... everytime i walked there i felt like a traveller in time, capturing the smiles, smells and movements. it's fun, but makes me feel weird. anyhow, i got my $1 worth of coriander and $8 worth of fresh beef.... that later became tomato beef and coriander soup with udon. tasted absolutely lovely with lemon juice and fish sauce... just finished by me (oh well, i did make 2 portions but nobody came and eat the other half!)

* * *
yesterday, it was a fantastic evening in Tsimshatsui listening to the Havana diva from Buena Vista Social Club. the moment she went on stage i cried. she was so charismatic. after some nostalgic moments, i stood up in the concert dancing and (?) swinging my bottom in music, ha. while the crystal broch on my denim jacket glittered in the red, blue and purple light... and i thought of richmond and marshall. they must have liked latin america music too. i did look around to see if i'd catch glimpse of them but there were too many people around... but then i bumped into a doctor friend who's more senior than me, someone i admired since year 1 at med school... so happy, we talked for a while after the concert, she's more vibrant than ever, being a surgeon as she is... though it was already nearly 11pm and takes 1.5 hours to get back to my flat(!), we ran to HMV afterwards trying to find the CD with the flowery songs. well, it was too expensive and i didn't even think of buying it. you know sometimes i have disinhibitions, but the cheque that i just wrote for my exams was $5210 and it stopped me from buying anything now. besides, it'll be my thailand trip soon. oh well, 9 more days and i'll receive my pay cheque and 11 days more i'll by flying! umm, that's more like it, hehe. no big cameras this time, just eyes-coffee savouring tour...

(view from my room, once upon a time)

been walking through the streets of yuen long and back to the city with my swollen throat and aching body today. people say upper respiratory tract infection is nothing but when you have it yourself, you'll know how much it hurts. i don't think i'll now shout at people who arrive at the A&E at 5am with just runny nose... oh well, by 5am last time i had not much energy left to moan about that person... so i've been feeling rather drowsy/drunk for most of today, unable to memorise anything that i read this morning. but thankful to say this holi-day wasn't lost. i had a successful driving lesson this afternoon (only my second one) and i learned to park my car and ride up a hill. i'm learning to do nice turns now, becoming more natural....

* * *
finally, i'm going to cut my hair short, i've decided, before my trip to thailand.... i won't miss long hair.

* * *
um, i'm missing ting ting and susanna, my 2 patients from the stomach ward back in queen mary. may god protect and provide the best for them. i remember the first times talking to ting ting. we clicked immediately and i told her about some sad stories. but then she said," but betty! you looked so professional when you were in front of the patients, i wouldn't have guessed you are an unhappy girl!" that was quite a few months ago. as tomorrow i'll be going to queen mary once again, do you think i will catch glimpse of them?

(looking out of out-patients clinic in awe. the world's still lovable isn't it?)

remembering that mild smile, a teardrop fell from my cheek.
i thought i have forgotten, but, how could i?
though it's been such a long time, so many things have happened
new things must have happened...
i can only think within myself, and not ask for
another smile from you

tonight, i sat silently,
looking out at the quiet moon,
an autumn night
where the silver streak went flying across the sky

wondering,
why would things happen that way?

good night,
betty

I might have promised
To go with you together
To that beautiful mountain trail.

You said on that hillside are tea shrubs
budding with young leaves
And thick acacia trees
I might have promised you to go
In a spring afternoon long past.

Yet tonight by the lamplight
Combing my just-turned grey hair
Suddenly I remember some
Unfulfilled promises some
Inexplicable sorrows.

On that mountain trail
Whether you in your youth
Are still looking for me
Still looking anxiously for me to come.

"chuchu says ... hi!"

i'm starting to get the hang of A&E this week... getting more used to the idea of people coming in for stupid reasons, looking (or pretending to be, if you have to say) more professional in front of things i am not familiar with, and feeling more comfortable in looking at fractures and gross things like messed up flesh and fish bones in the throat (imagine the big smile on my face when i extracted the fish bone out of their throat with a long pair of forceps myself! such satisfaction, hehe!). it isn't too bad really, i enjoy talking to indian and parkistani little children and looking into their throats and feeling the babies' tummies :) and i'm also enjoying going home after work not having to dream about their problems every night, feeling free and light walking back home in the fresh autumn breeze.

so life is finally starting to take good shape...

tonight i'm back at my parents' home again after having dinner with sharon and brian in taikoo shing. it feels so good to talk like how you wanted without much reservations. you know in this world where people are so frightened of saying wrong things or saying anything truthful to one another, where true friends are rarer than diamonds... to have real friends is one of my biggest blessings in life. and i'm glad i have them!!

* * *
did i mention i finally bought a pink Nike yoga mat earlier? i started to have this plan of doing some yoga everyday. of course that didn't happen, i ended up sitting in a yoga position on the mat one day and started my medicine revision. well, not a bad thing isn't it? funnily enough, i'm now more used to having myself at home without anybody else. i don't feel lonesome finally. i know why god gave me the challenge that i hated so much after coming to tuen mun, but it made me realise the significant difference between 'gesture' and 'love'. although i still think i'm full of love i only began to learn now that someone could have just given me gestures all that years. it's sad but at least i now know.

* * *
um, do you think i should bring my newly bought sketch book to bangkok to do some sketching of the temples? i think my companion might decide to go off somewhere else if i do that... in fact i am only learning to draw flowers now, how will that take me to drawing temples, i wonder? oh yes, are you interested in seeing my flower drawings?

* * *
my parents bought a DVD recorder for themselves after i had bought mine, and they are now recording the tapes that they made on their 1st trip to england, that is to say when i was 17 and still at sherborne, where daffodils grow in early summer and there is the greenest grass and freshest frost in winter! my mother said to me tonight, that i looked so sweet and innocent in the video, in my school uniform with short straight hair :) haha, i cannot wait to see them. next time i'll play it at my place when my friends come to visit. that will be really funny...

* * *
ok, enough for tonight. i'm gonna have an 'electronic-free' evening tonight reading 'A simple path: the Life of Mother Teresa"....

night and take care on this breezy and lovely autumn night. oh how much i have fallen in love with autumn, you can just never have guessed why...
betty

unable to fall asleep tonight. haven't had a sleepless night for ages, but my heart aches, really aches...
lord, am i not working hard enough?
save me, god

it's been many days....
but i'll be back, soon

(Eze, France. my 2 week holiday when i was 21)

got my trip to Thailand half sorted :) though really, i've just booked the flight tickets by dragonair, but it already made me terribly excited! in less than 1 month's time, i'll be freed from the evil hands of Casualty! though unfortunately only for a week! i'd better not expect too much though, with such a short holiday (in fact, the shortest holiday that i've ever planned myself), i surely won't be able to do all i wanted. but as i said to R, all we need is a relaxed time and good companionship...

of course, damaris (sophia's friend whom i met at the house-warming party) will be a big factor in the trip. with what i heard about her work in Bangkok's slums, it left me in wonders. deep in my mind i knew that God will drag me to her place sooner or later, only i didn't know it's that soon, haha!

well, it's getting late tonight, tomorrow will be a busy sunday afternoon at the A&E (imagine all those people queuing up coz all the GP clinics are closed!) but monday i'll be OFF! so something fantastic to look forward to :) i'll make sure i get enough energy to cook speghetti bolognaise this time round, won't starve myself like the past week... (missed 4 dinners last week)

night night,
bets

Well there is nothing you could ever do, To make me stop, loving you...
~from celine dion's 'miracle'

(Where's the sea? where are you? Shek O, hk 21/5/2000)

listening to katie melua's Closest Thing to Crazy in the lonesome bus, drowned in furious rain as it quietly rushed back to the centre of hong kong, through deserted highways and the solitary suspension bridge. i looked out and felt incredibly blank and wondered why i'm so. drops of tears beaded out in unison with the rain outside.....

these 2 days in A&E dealing with life and death, and seeing how things can wipe people's instincts away, is, rather unbearable. but too bad, people come and go, you can't really play God and save all the dying ones. and at the end of the day, you'll just have to drop all the memories of those futile efforts, those people whom you've lost, and sit down and have your dinner and prepare for the next day. there's not a point in mourning of your failure, or your lost, whatever and wherever it is. is it true that people will only start to cherish what they have when they realise that they are counting on their days?

but it's not that you haven't done your best, right betty?

(funny... my hair is two more inch from that now. Dec, 2004)

deliberately didn't mention my first day in A&E... Thank God for giving me challenges to learn new things, I hope i didn't look that bewildered in front of the patients! foreign body in eye, dog bite, laceration woound, slip and feel, child with fever... it wasn't too bad, i was able to handle them all (with help)!

but i'm really not used to getting up so early in the morning these 2 days in order to be there by 7.45am. you know i usually get up shining with glee, always enough time for some breakfast, the reading the news and checking my emails... but not these 2 days! argh..v been having bad dreams for a few nights already, thinking back a few old stuff, got up with sleepy eyes as if i'm not ready for another big day. but as time goes by i'll start to have pm or night shifts, i know my biological clock will be even messed up...

* * *
but, i have a few things to keep my head up today as i will be stationed at the Emergency and resuscitation booth! hope i'll keep smiling!

1. can start planning for my holiday in Thailand as we have finalised the dates now. early Nov! hopefully there won't be bombs/chicken viruses/any weird stuff happening there from now

2. going home tonight after work, and A&E training tomorrow.... but still, it's such a tight schedule, and no sleep again

3. clinique bodyworks tonight. hope i'll look radiant afterwards!

3. really miss kandice and september. you two kept my head up whenever i think of you...

thanks all for keep me going. you're in my mind
love,
betty

been thinking about Love.

i feel much pain inside me, my heart, filled with warm tears and unable to pour out for many many months.

in facing temptations in these few months, i thought i'd never forgive myself.
but as i read,"as i have tried so hard and my heart cannot change the world, but God can..."
i open my heart and let God fill me with his love
as God understands our hearts the best, let him wipe away our tears
and from this moment, my life has changed.