flushing the loo..
exam on tuesday
argh, two more days to go and i'll go out and shout out!

(the girl in the field, China)

The concept of loving

just want to write down something for you today, from 1 Corinthians 13. want to read it out, as is written on my klimt bookmark. it's one of my most treasured items...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...."

mama, i miss holiday

To look back

To roll in the wind, then slowly fall
Bury time deep into the earth, and it will turn to amber
Before the grey dawning sun, I looked back regretfully
Oh my dear friends
Does a bird have to burn herself to become a phoenix
Does youth have to be stupid
Love has to be sorrowful?

回首

一直在盼望著一段美麗的愛
所以我毫不猶豫地將你捨棄
流浪的途中我不斷尋覓
卻沒料到　回首之前
年輕的你　從未稍離

從未稍離的你在我心中
春天來時便反覆地吟唱
那濱江路上的灰沙炎日
那麗水街前一地的月光
那清晨園中為誰摘下的茉莉
那渡船頭上風裏翻飛的裙裳

在風裏翻飛　然後紛紛墜落
歲月深埋在土中便成琥珀
在灰色的黎明前我悵然回顧
親愛的朋友啊
難道鳥必要自焚才能成為鳳凰
難道青春必要愚昧
愛　必得憂傷

My exams are coming! Argh i'm going crazy...... God save me! i need some music to keep me going...

* * *

And you, what have you done?

On the trunk of a tree, a young girl
Filled with joy, carved out her name
The tree, touched to the core
Let a flower drop down to the girl.

I am the tree, sad and moved
You are the girl who wounded my bark
I will always treasure your beloved name
And you, what have you done with my poor flower?

feeling old and unlovable these days. lost my buena vista social club cd too. just have the lyrics in my head

* * *
The Gardenias

Two Gardenias for you
With these I mean to say:
I love you, I adore you, my life
Look after them because
They are your heart and mine.

Two Gardenias for you
With all the warmth of a kiss
Like those I gave to you
Kisses that you will never know
In the embrace of another.

They will live beside you
And talk to you as I do
And you will even believe
that you hear them say: I love you.

But if one late evening
The Gardenias should die
It's because they know
That you have betrayed me
And that you love another.

To take one step back

If, in my eyes
There's the summer-sweet smell of you
And in my heart, forever
Hidden a sincere poem

If that is really so
My sorrow be eternal
How bad can that be?

讓步

只要　在我眸中
曾有妳芬芳的夏日
在我心中
永藏一首真摯的詩

那麼　就這樣
憂傷以終老
也沒有什麼不好

I remember you just like your coffee hot
Take no pictures of the things that you ain't got
So softly so gently
You left me with my beating heart

Unknot my throat I ease my soul
with a cold cold beer
Take some time recalling you
with some warm warm tears
For someone or something
Never meant to be

Just spread your wings and fly away
and just leave it all behind
When you think of me
Remember I'm your state of mind

I'll spread my wings and fly away
and I'll leave it all behind
If I think of you
You're just another state of mind

Doesn't matter where I go or whom I'm with
Makes no difference
where you'll be or who you'll see
Close your eyes make your peace
Down your heart where I'd be 　

i remembered how my life used to be. i miss home. i miss letty, grandma, and i miss myself. i used to have lots of ideas for lunch and dinner and my fridge was always filled with exotic things. i remembered my life with energy and vibrance. how energetic was i with filling up my bookshelf with new books. how straight and long my hair used to be. the way i used to play the piano. whenever i heard something special on radio 4 i'd jot the name down and get the manuscript from the music library so i could start learning it. i remembered my black piano, shiny, and lacquered. i remember releasing all my emotions through the piano before the release of my supplementary exam results in year 2, or whenever i can't concentrate on my work. i'd always play the furious gershwin's no.3. then letty would come in and ask if i can play 'solitude'! and that was how it goes...

this morning when the sun was slowly greeting me through the contour of the mountain outside, the radio alarm turned itself on and there it was, chopin's impromptu no. 51 and my once-favourite barcarolle. oh, it seemed such a long time ago. the sweet melodies brought tears to my eyes. how i missed my youth! but seabreeze was right. i have loads to look forward to. after all i'm only 25! i promise after my exams i'll be brought back to life once again! i've got so much lined up already...

with God's grace it'll be a great day today!

(my heart feels dark and, consolable?)

can perfect day end with a flaw? then it wouldn't be a perfect day would it? i'd always thought. i had a beautiful heart. always thought i'd give my best intention to others and they would receive the best. but unfortunately life is not calculated in this way, or least, not how i have calculated it. behind the mirror of the smiley face is the girl with flat lips. who has bumped into a blunted of a road several times. who is not having much confidence in herself let alone for others. who isn't beautiful at all, with many ugly flaws like the umbilicus and the frowning face and bony physique. i wonder for how long i can be truthful and real to you? really 60 years? can i still? coz you know now, i'm not as beautiful and not flawless as you imagined.

if you'll digest all of me including all my weaknesses as i'll try to do to you....

i promise myself i'm going to get a box of See's Candies to warm my bleak mid winter asap. i'm dying of unlovedness and silence. just tinnitus of the fridge in my ears.
um, feeling cold and deserted today. argh, i don't like it. can you ring?

it was nothing i have experienced. i was scared. i could still smell the gasoline and see the smoke rising up into the air. and i thought of you, the smiley and innocent face, so good to everyone around you, and the good heart, so important to me. you were my best friend. i didn't want to think anymore, just wished time would go by. it felt eternity. i sat in my bed and weeped.
at last. you called. i'm sorry i sounded angry. i'm always terrible at expressing myself. but thank you for taking good care of yourself. thank you for telling me you're ok.
i thank God that you're safe. i thank God for giving me a challenge because it tells me how much i care. it tells me that i have to celebrate every single day because we have our lives, to live with our cherished ones. you know? i'll always be there when you need me.

feeling like poo these days, was it just sleeping too much or what? i feel like my mind is totally glued up. emotionally instability, you call it. too much exam stress? too lonely at home? too cold? too tired with nausea? too jealous? too hungry without nice things to eat? too stupid? well, i decided all these's going to a halt today. i logged onto friendster, and finally, after... ahum, a year?, i clicked on his name. this use-to-be so familiar name in my mind now look like the name of a bar... palpitation swamped me and i saw his photos, he finally deleted the one that i took for him, found his list of friends full of unfamiliar girl's names... plonk. was that the sound of my heart on the ground? i don't think it was, i can still feel my heart beating frantically inside. but it doesn't make a difference now. because i now have my own love story to follow. however un-love this love story may be. even though i still believe it's true love that is beyond boundaries.

so there, now i've done it. it should be the end of the story now. after this episode of palpitations i'll save my palpitation for happy times (yes yes, for you...). as mimi says, he's never gonna call you back! why should he!?

couldn't fall asleep last night, after your phone battery went flat. i hadn't finished what i was going to say, only hearing my voice getting louder and louder. i was protesting, not to you, but to myself... i'm angry with myself, being the figure in sad stories. i was longing for comfort. i wanted to hear something warm from you. i'm sorry. i understand. you really needn't be unconditional. afterall, you've already done a very big thing, wiping up most of the old sorrow inside me... though, deep inside, i just hope what you said is true......

(tung chung)

where will the road lead us to?
will you stay happy like you are now?
will you be there, for me?

(Tuen Mun)

isn't much to say for today. i'm shattered from two midnight shifts and there's not much of me left. my old friend monica called this evening. it's been more than half a year since we last chatted. talking to her reminded me of an image of my old days, so naive but gentle, ha. wouldn't it be so nice if i am to keep my innocence? maybe not.

but today, i cried remembering this song... feeling rather empathetic with the last paragraph.
i go back to my study now.
love, bets

Blackbird On The Wire by Beautiful South

Eyes to take you dancing
mouth to leave your wife
Legs to run away with
and you wonder why?

Heart that makes you bypass
every other girl
Smile that keeps you grinning
at the madness of this world

But like the blackbird on the wire
I will not take prey on you
You wouldn't want me to
For I am too soft for such a thing

And like the blackbird on the wire
I just watch you by
The tears I knew I'd cry
Fall unnoticed down below

Front to make you happy
back to make you weep
Lips to keep you kissing
whilst everyone's asleep

Tears to break a backbone
laughs to win a war
And people come and ask me
what I love you for

But like the blackbird on the wire
I will not take prey on you
You wouldn't want me to
For I am too soft for such a thing

And like the blackbird on the wire
I just watch you by
The tears I knew I'd cry
Fall unnoticed down below...

(view from my bedroom at 7am after i got home this morning!)

Argh, 3 days of the new year has passed by without a trace, it's soon my exam! havta work really hard. havta...

to be honest, i felt like a dump of poo after my midnight shift, and there's another one coming tonight, today's bound to be wasted....

there are so much to do after my exams, so much to enjoy, so much to say...
i think i'll keep you curious for the time being :)

la la la la la.....

(My first scene of 2006)

A New Year 2006 has finally greeted us today. Hope this year will filled with love and life and peace for you and those around. Betty xx

The Summer Day by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean -the one who has flung herself
out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out
of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and
forth instead of up and down
-who is gazing around with her
enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and
thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open,
and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall downinto the grass, how to kneel down
in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how
to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

* * *
Caterpillars cocoon and turn into butterflies.
Change, the only constant of life, is always happening to these morphing creatures. I always wonder if the animal ever knows in which phase it finds itself.
My life is no different. When I’ve got the elated feeling of having done something I wanted to do (or felt I should have done), have I spread my wings or am I just a caterpillar preparing to cocoon?
Perspective on this question eludes me, so all the while I’ll live my life.
I have passions,
relationships –new and old
I live in new places
I learn new things
I love
I hurt
I grow
I build my spirit
I share
I care for myself, my family, and others I have yet to meet
I seek new challenges, answers, peace, and freedom as I live my “one wild and precious life,” grateful for that which has been afforded me.