yesterday's on call night drained my heart and soul out. it was the worst scenario that i have taken ever since working in this hospital. the patient was at her worst, and i was the one in charge, and a few hours seemed everlasting. i kept calm but my fingers were involuntarily tremoring. in the end, i sent her away to the ICU, and there were a dozen of newly arrived patients waiting for me at the other end... when i went home i bursted into tears. remembered i got told in the interview there were people who quit after two months of working in this hospital. now, i've worked for 2 months, am i to quit just because of a bad night like this?

i was already one hour late when i finished off everything. i had hardly any energy to rush out of the door, but before i left i caught a glimpse of 'woon kow', a lady i have taken care of for more than 3 weeks. she came in with shortness of breath, and was only diagnosed with lung cancer last week. it was too late a stage, there was not much we could do for her. everyday i go to work seeing her breath a little harder each time, and her right arm and face a little more swollen. everyday i ask myself, can i do something? i asked my seniors, my elder colleagues, and they all shook their heads. and i couldn't bear to see my patient wither away just like that. i wished i could give her some syrup morphine a little earlier but she didn't let me. last night when i saw her, i knew her suffering was finally to come to an end, her pulse rate was down to 50, she lay there, unconscious. i stood by her side and held her hand, but she didn't grab my hand anymore like she used to when on the BiPAP machine. she was gasping, drowned in hypercapnia. i said goodbye to her quietly and i felt my eyes were damp.

am i really that useless?