(below the london eye and the big blue sky, i think of you...)

i'm entirely confused this week
finally... it had happened, this most dreaded thing of my dreams, only telling me how conventional i am as a vulnerable girl on this earth.

i remembered i last used this word 'vulnerable' to describe myself, back in december 2004. i felt so utterly stupid afterwards after getting to know this guy, wanna hide my face into the sand. but then someone came along and saved me, and started loving me, or that was how the 'story' went.

this time, i don't know what to think/anticipate. better not to think of anything.
lord, show me the way.

* * *
yes, having been so confused, i walked into the hospital christian cell group this afternoon, out of the blue, i was invited. i was the only MO taking in new admissions for medical ward from 1pm to 10pm, and after a sleepless night i felt like i was a piece of mud. maybe that was a punishment from god for being stupid, anyway, i walked into the room not expecting a thing, but then miracle happened... i started singing and praising God, and through the melodies, i heard i was forgiven. and during the next 10 hours i worked non-stop and only stopped for 1 minute to drink half a cup of water. i talked to numerous patients and families, touched some hearts and kept on writing till my pen ran out of ink. the last patient i saw was a 19 year old mentally retarded girl from siu lam hospital (one of the mental hospitals here). she wasn't congenitally retarded, but it was measles that gave her subacute panencephalitis. she was an indian girl with massive black round eyes, gazing at me with a emotionless stare. i didn't know what to think. i went up to her, examining her and looking for reasons why she had one week history of fever. she couldn't understand my command of 'please stick out your tongue', so i stuck out my own tongue and hoped she'd follow me. then miracle happened. she smiled with such glee after seeing my stupid face! she was so innocent and pretty. made my day. wouldn't it be so great if i always smile like her too...... i think i can do that!