i remembered, those things must have happened. i must've been happy for sometime. though now it can never be touched or felt again. feels so strange. i can still picture your smile in front of me. i don't believe that doesn't happen anymore. but it hasn't happened for almost 3 months.

* * *
the 40 year old lady from my ward, denise, with stomach cancer, is now dying. her dying progress has sped up so much in the past 2 days, so much that i fear i won't see her again after i go back to hospital for work again on monday. it's just 2 days away from the hospital. i was always worrying about how fast my 'holiday in tuen mun' will pass by in the blink of an eye, and now, i wish it goes slower, and slower, so denise will live. but if my conscience comes back, i'd rather she dies earlier and peacefully. the suffering has been for too long. i remember her putting up her fingers in a V sign to congratulate on me doing a successful pleural fluid tapping for her, releasing murky water from her lungs and helping her breathe again. she was always so strong and always smiling the moment i walked into the ward. i loved talking about how i took the holga and pinhole photos with her, janice and susanna. it felt so real and i felt i was doing something really good to my patients. but god has his plan for us. if we are meant to leave he'll send angels to bring us somewhere else. maybe that's the same with marshall. though i know i'm not like typical others who get over things quickly, i'm getting the hang of this concept of 'life'. maybe i have just started to grow up.

* * *
now sitting in my new place in tuen mun, maybe i do need some big changes like this to keep me moving and in balance. but then i can feel my heart changing... i'm sure you know what i mean when you looked into my eyes...