Some, inexplicable sadness
struck by some thoughts today, remembering some feelings i've felt back in november last year. have you ever listened to the "pulp fiction" soundtrack... there was a song with the words "happy and sad"... it felt just like that. i was intensely happy, and intensely sad. it didn't feel a long time, but indeed it was... now everything has changed. i also think about my friends, like kandi and ray having their finals now, i didn't get to call them with my bad cough and night shifts. i should have sent them good luck charms. finals was a big thing for me and even i know they'll pull through ok i still feel bad about not having got in touch. and there's kennis, mandy, ann, cola, pearl, matthew, tessa, jocelyn, erika, laura, tarsila.... as i feel so stuck and isolated and ever so lonely, i realised my friends are still there for me. i just need to go out and grab them..... perhaps the world's not as cold as i thought. i hope it's not. i've been too depressed recently.
today, i bumped into a patient in hospital. a young man lying on a couch gasping for breath. as i went through his medical notes, thinking of how i could help him, a tear dropped from the corner of my eyes... a 35 year old man, in the height of his young spirit, suffered from cough just in november last year. not long after he was found to have lung cancer. more workup revealed his liver had a lesion, and it was not metastasis. it was a second cancer. the notes mentioned he was asymptomatic in november. and now, there he laid, dying... i wonder how we can grasp our time in a better way so i won't regret anything? i seem to be doing that now but it's futile.
will my efforts be appreciated? or should i recede in silence??
i don't want to.
struck by some thoughts today, remembering some feelings i've felt back in november last year. have you ever listened to the "pulp fiction" soundtrack... there was a song with the words "happy and sad"... it felt just like that. i was intensely happy, and intensely sad. it didn't feel a long time, but indeed it was... now everything has changed. i also think about my friends, like kandi and ray having their finals now, i didn't get to call them with my bad cough and night shifts. i should have sent them good luck charms. finals was a big thing for me and even i know they'll pull through ok i still feel bad about not having got in touch. and there's kennis, mandy, ann, cola, pearl, matthew, tessa, jocelyn, erika, laura, tarsila.... as i feel so stuck and isolated and ever so lonely, i realised my friends are still there for me. i just need to go out and grab them..... perhaps the world's not as cold as i thought. i hope it's not. i've been too depressed recently.
today, i bumped into a patient in hospital. a young man lying on a couch gasping for breath. as i went through his medical notes, thinking of how i could help him, a tear dropped from the corner of my eyes... a 35 year old man, in the height of his young spirit, suffered from cough just in november last year. not long after he was found to have lung cancer. more workup revealed his liver had a lesion, and it was not metastasis. it was a second cancer. the notes mentioned he was asymptomatic in november. and now, there he laid, dying... i wonder how we can grasp our time in a better way so i won't regret anything? i seem to be doing that now but it's futile.
will my efforts be appreciated? or should i recede in silence??
i don't want to.
posted by betty chan at 12:36 AM
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